This is Lost

This time, I am seriously - lost.

I don't know what kind of problem I'm having, but I know there's more than one problem going on, with... me?

I made both my parents cry in one day. Yes. Cry. Either silently or in front of me. I cried too.

They said I've been treating them like as if they're nothing. And I haven't got the slightest clue why. I'm the one who have the problem? I have no answer to that. However, my mom said I've been really acting weird since my holidays until now. (I'm still in a holiday.)

I kept thinking, what I've done? Yes, I know I've been rude to them in words, and also actions. They said I did not respect them. Did I?

I seriously don't know what has gotten into me. However, I don't want the answer from them.
I realize that... Sometimes... They just don't know what I want. They just make my decisions. Sometimes... I feel that they don't respect me, too.

They said I let others control my life. Which is true, because I'm not leading my life. They are actually controlling my life, but they did not notice it. It was invisible, which was even worse.

Everything I do, I don't think of myself first. I think about them first.
What will they think?
Will they agree?
Will they get upset about it?

Sometimes I feel that, I've been giving problems - uncertaincy, to my friends, because my answer to them is :" I have to see how's my mom/dad first." I cannot decide by myself. I hate uncertaincy. I hate it. I hate sudden changes even more, no matter it changes happen to me or to others who are involved in a certain issue. I hate it. Although, I've been saying, life's unpredictable.

I need a counsellor. No, not a friend. I mean a REAL counsellor. I need real solutions.

I'm drowning myself. Why is it I'm such a lame person?

-Jas-