I want to leave.

I want to leave
my home,
my parents,
my relatives,
my country,
so badly.

Really badly.

All of these,
don't bring me any happiness.

None.
Zero.
Negative.

The few things that kept me holding on,
where I am right here right now,
are my parents,
and my friends,
also my lovelies in my room (a.k.a. my stuffs).

Distance makes the heart grew fonder.
I see that when I get to step out and away for good.

I truly don't deserve what I am experiencing right now.

Every time I said,
"I had enough."
I meant it with every single cell in my body.

Even so,
I never fail to get myself stand back up again.
Even I, myself,
wasn't sure what was it that made me did it
again and again.

I want to leave.
I want to stay away from this hell.

For all the sins I had done,
I may be deserved to live in hell.

However,
for the reason that I was brought onto this world
I deserve to experience a piece of heaven.

I had made my decision.
Even if I may not have what it takes to grant my Masters degree,
I will go overseas even before I pursue it.

Whatever they say,
waste of time, waste of money,
I want to leave
at least momentarily.

I need experience.
I need loss.
I need separation.
I need hope.
I need expectations.

I need everything that I will ever need
to appreciate the hell I am living right now.

I shall no longer please others.
I shall only please myself from now on.

For my entire life,
I had been conditioned to please others.

No.
I refuse to.

Why should I respect when I wasn't been treated with respect?
Why should I care when I wasn't been properly showered with care?
Why should I please others when others didn't even bother to please me after what I had done?

Enough is enough.

I shall walk my life in the hard way.
The fucking hard and painful way.
Immunity.

All of these hell that I am going through are affecting me.

Affecting my
psychological well being,
physical fitness,
motivation,
self-esteem,
perceptions,
and so many other aspects.

One day,
you all shall scream at me for how selfish I will be.

I shall scream back at you,
YOU are being selfish first.

Never point fingers at me.
As I shall chose to point a gun at you if you do.

-Jas-