Private practice.

I was never a fan of watching drama series like CSI, House, Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, etc ever since I grew older. Surprisingly, I was an avid fan of E.R. when I was young. Now I couldn't stand watching these shows due to the grossness of inner organs, blood, and... any of those stuff.

Nonetheless, I had some boring days in my two weeks of semester break. I was flipping channels as if I was flipping textbooks for last minute studying, go figure. I enjoyed a great deal of time watching some drama series, and sometimes being "forced" to watch some that I would not watch normally - Private Practice.

I only watched one episode of Private Practice, and I don't really find it entertaining with all the gross images and the stress in dealing with various patients who are physically ill. However, it did ring some bells in me.

Though I couldn't remember quite a number of things that inspired me, there was one character that left a deep mark in my mind. A bachelor in his late 70s -80s, diagnosed with last stage cancer spread to his liver. I didn't follow the previous episodes so I didn't know what exactly was going on, but he was already a patient under two doctors' care (acupuncture, drugs, etc.). When he knew his condition, he was fairly optimistic and asked his doctors a favor - to help him die.

The patient knew there is nothing more he could do to cure himself when a few major factors were reflected - already old, severely sick, with no family or friends. He was all alone. Maybe in a different view, he has nothing left in this world for him to strive for a longer life.

It kind of surprised me how his situation taunted me - the kind of future I might face, as I have the decision of being "single" and "(not) available" when I have the capability to earn a living of my own. I honestly could not put a smile on my face when I was witnessing this possibly fictional character.

He wanted to die not because he did not have all the wealth or fame or things that people chase for mindlessly when they are still young or capable of chasing. He wanted to die because despite of all the things he own, he had nothing left in this world - his friends had passed away, same goes with his family members, he has no children of his own... he was lack of warmth and love.

Despite the fact that he didn't mind to die (faster), he was struggling.

Firstly, he was struggling due to the pain cancer brought to him which caused him the worst feelings of uncomfortableness as he inched closer to his time to go with every moan.

Secondly, he was afraid to die, as he didn't know where would he go and who would he meet along the way. He was again afraid that he'll be alone as he go to the "other world".

Lastly, at his very last minutes to death, he felt sad to leave because it was as if he never existed in the world and didn't left a mark on anyone - as his peers and family were no longer with him. He felt non-existent. No one there to remember about him, miss him, talk about him, etc. Well... of course he didn't realize there are the two doctors who would definitely remember him because of the lessons they were taught.

Maybe...
Just maybe, I do fear and care the fact that I will be alone until the end of my life.
Who would know if I would find my soul mate anyway?

Either way, I learnt that I should live a happy life - regardless if I am alone or with a partner.

-Jas-