Life, as it is.
Hello. =)
There are so many things going through my mind right now, to the extent of blank thoughts - trying to numb away all of those issues and emotions that had been swelling within me for a long long time... I sat down here and realize (once again), how not giving/ making myself some time to really sit down and process all of these stuffs that are lurking within me has been lighting one red light after another about my own psychological well being and behaviours.
I never really utilize this outlet I have been owning for such a long time - to express or lash out anything, or rather almost everything. Happiness, sadness, gratefulness, anger, disappointments, worries, fears, serenity, hopes, dreams... How much I have complained that I don't have 'me' time for the past 2-3 years due to work life... For the past year I have sort of earned it back by being a full time student again and perhaps had been using this platform a teeny bit more actively. So... here I am. I'm going to lash out all (that is before I ran out of energy) of those shit I have been keeping for too long.
I'm angry, upset, disappointed and feeling rather helpless.
No words can describe the kind of hatred I have towards my paternal family, and the kind of hostility I have towards my own father. The kind of pain and stress inflicted on my mother and myself have never decreased, but instead increasing every single day despite the fact that I am physically away from all of those nonsense. I don't feel like communicating with my dad, even though I know there is a need to bridge the distance between us. Being away from my mother is scary, because I am not there to be her shield - to protect her from harm. She lost not only protection, but also immediate proximal support because I'm thousands of miles away. I can only listen and see her cry in my computer screen, not being able to give her a comforting hug - kills my heart.
I try to think repeatedly - why are there such heartless and materialistic relatives? Why does my own father never listen and trust the woman he chose, and the child they both have together because of love? Where has that 'love' gone to? Why is he so blinded and foolish enough to listen his siblings that are doing so much harm to everyone around them - by breaking people's families, teasing people's minds, saying hurtful words, supporting those who are clearly at fault, using money as bonding or sustaining relationships? Even worse, accepting all of those harm as good deeds or logical? Just... why?????
I am sitting here, hoping that all of these bitches and sons of the bitch would burn in fire and pay their debts in hell. This had been my death wish every single year. I don't give a damn to these people. I am just hoping my mother will stay strong and sane while I am gone, because if she slips back into her relapse - I have no idea how insane I would be, living so far away, not being able to be there for her when she needs me the most.
I think... I shall stop for today...
>=')
-Jas-
There are so many things going through my mind right now, to the extent of blank thoughts - trying to numb away all of those issues and emotions that had been swelling within me for a long long time... I sat down here and realize (once again), how not giving/ making myself some time to really sit down and process all of these stuffs that are lurking within me has been lighting one red light after another about my own psychological well being and behaviours.
I never really utilize this outlet I have been owning for such a long time - to express or lash out anything, or rather almost everything. Happiness, sadness, gratefulness, anger, disappointments, worries, fears, serenity, hopes, dreams... How much I have complained that I don't have 'me' time for the past 2-3 years due to work life... For the past year I have sort of earned it back by being a full time student again and perhaps had been using this platform a teeny bit more actively. So... here I am. I'm going to lash out all (that is before I ran out of energy) of those shit I have been keeping for too long.
I'm angry, upset, disappointed and feeling rather helpless.
No words can describe the kind of hatred I have towards my paternal family, and the kind of hostility I have towards my own father. The kind of pain and stress inflicted on my mother and myself have never decreased, but instead increasing every single day despite the fact that I am physically away from all of those nonsense. I don't feel like communicating with my dad, even though I know there is a need to bridge the distance between us. Being away from my mother is scary, because I am not there to be her shield - to protect her from harm. She lost not only protection, but also immediate proximal support because I'm thousands of miles away. I can only listen and see her cry in my computer screen, not being able to give her a comforting hug - kills my heart.
I try to think repeatedly - why are there such heartless and materialistic relatives? Why does my own father never listen and trust the woman he chose, and the child they both have together because of love? Where has that 'love' gone to? Why is he so blinded and foolish enough to listen his siblings that are doing so much harm to everyone around them - by breaking people's families, teasing people's minds, saying hurtful words, supporting those who are clearly at fault, using money as bonding or sustaining relationships? Even worse, accepting all of those harm as good deeds or logical? Just... why?????
I am sitting here, hoping that all of these bitches and sons of the bitch would burn in fire and pay their debts in hell. This had been my death wish every single year. I don't give a damn to these people. I am just hoping my mother will stay strong and sane while I am gone, because if she slips back into her relapse - I have no idea how insane I would be, living so far away, not being able to be there for her when she needs me the most.
I think... I shall stop for today...
>=')
-Jas-
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