Why life felt like a landslide.
My classes technically have finished in late October, but I yet to have much rest until now. Having said that, I've been slacking quite a bit throughout this year - and I am still slacking now after coming back from meeting someone today. Yeap, my motivation is pretty much not sticking with me.
Alas, motivation.
Honestly, while I thought last year was difficult enough - this year is a different kind of difficulty. I am being challenged in so many aspects, and I really couldn't recall in which earlier points of my life I have feel so overwhelmed with everything. I was tired, extremely fatigued.
Yeap. It is a tough year.
It took me a little too long to figure out what was wrong with me, or maybe - what went wrong. To put it simply, there are two main things: (1) how the sense of defeat carried over from last year to this year and I pretty much did not manage to really stand-up with my two feet until today; and, (2) I have been anxious about the past, the present and especially, the future. The former, was about how I came to a foreign country with ambivalent feelings, yet have a good sense of my abilities. However, I was criticized so many times that I fought and strove... and that no longer seem enough to prove to myself that I am as good as I thought I was. Not to mention, being a whole new different foreign environment and culture - I never felt so alienated in my entire life, even though I am lucky enough to have my partner with me. I suppose I pretty much used all my mental strength last year and I forgot to keep some to sustain myself this year. And... I never really have the chance to recharge it back. The latter, was literally about everything that matters to me goes downhill - everything is a blurry picture. I no longer have that great flame of fighting and burning confidence.
I don't think I have ever felt so low in my life. I guess to make it even worse for myself is seeing how others around me are blooming graciously this year, but while looking at myself in the mirror - I couldn't help but feeling so depleted and withered inside out.
Mm-hmm, life pretty much sucks at this point.
The amount of doubt and fear that I have are enormous. I am no longer sure whether what I am doing right now is right for me because of all the shit I carried and am carrying through my life are all seeping out from the sack. I question many things this year - my family, religion(s), friends, love, career, time, money, studies, life... MYSELF - my abilities, attitude, character, self-worth, values, beliefs... everything.
Right now, I'm not sure what to do. I have very little left to fight at one of the near finishing lines now...
Just a little more to go, Jasmine.
I know that I need time and forgiveness towards myself (somehow) to stand back up and be a more "normal" me. Yet, things are squeezing me from every single possible direction.
I sincerely hope that next year will be a better year for me.
-Jas-
Alas, motivation.
Honestly, while I thought last year was difficult enough - this year is a different kind of difficulty. I am being challenged in so many aspects, and I really couldn't recall in which earlier points of my life I have feel so overwhelmed with everything. I was tired, extremely fatigued.
Yeap. It is a tough year.
It took me a little too long to figure out what was wrong with me, or maybe - what went wrong. To put it simply, there are two main things: (1) how the sense of defeat carried over from last year to this year and I pretty much did not manage to really stand-up with my two feet until today; and, (2) I have been anxious about the past, the present and especially, the future. The former, was about how I came to a foreign country with ambivalent feelings, yet have a good sense of my abilities. However, I was criticized so many times that I fought and strove... and that no longer seem enough to prove to myself that I am as good as I thought I was. Not to mention, being a whole new different foreign environment and culture - I never felt so alienated in my entire life, even though I am lucky enough to have my partner with me. I suppose I pretty much used all my mental strength last year and I forgot to keep some to sustain myself this year. And... I never really have the chance to recharge it back. The latter, was literally about everything that matters to me goes downhill - everything is a blurry picture. I no longer have that great flame of fighting and burning confidence.
I don't think I have ever felt so low in my life. I guess to make it even worse for myself is seeing how others around me are blooming graciously this year, but while looking at myself in the mirror - I couldn't help but feeling so depleted and withered inside out.
Mm-hmm, life pretty much sucks at this point.
The amount of doubt and fear that I have are enormous. I am no longer sure whether what I am doing right now is right for me because of all the shit I carried and am carrying through my life are all seeping out from the sack. I question many things this year - my family, religion(s), friends, love, career, time, money, studies, life... MYSELF - my abilities, attitude, character, self-worth, values, beliefs... everything.
Right now, I'm not sure what to do. I have very little left to fight at one of the near finishing lines now...
Just a little more to go, Jasmine.
I know that I need time and forgiveness towards myself (somehow) to stand back up and be a more "normal" me. Yet, things are squeezing me from every single possible direction.
I sincerely hope that next year will be a better year for me.
-Jas-
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