Upset.

Well. 

There are always times I love and hate being an only child. Today would be one of the days when I hated to be one.

People think that being an only child is lucky - and one of the common stereotype is that only child wouldn't experience something people call "sibling rivalry" or basically being compared to someone else. 

That is incorrect.

I grew up my WHOLE LIFE being compared to my aunt(s; oh there are many other people I was being compared to within my family). Either I'm in someways negatively similar or dissimilar to whoever people were trying to compare myself to. And yes, today happened to be another one of those "being compared" days that I absolutely loathe. 

I hate it. I really do. Let alone having my own parents doing that to me over and over again.

I hated it because I was constantly being reminded of my imperfections - that I'm never "(good) enough". My "good"s and "OK"s are always being diminished. Praise is pretty much a once in a blue moon occasion. Criticisms are nails that are constantly knocked deeply into wood - there aren't ways to take it out or even hide the holes. That's pretty much how naked I feel with my imperfections, my weaknesses, my flaws - MYSELF.

I'm angry, sad, irritated, upset, disappointed, battered and broken.

My supervisor asked me what made me tear up (or cry) every single time she gave me compliments on how good I have performed as a counsellor (or me just being me). I told her that I never felt that I was good enough with whatever I do. I took those compliments as false positives that people gave me - lies! Reason being throughout my life, messages of "I could do better" and "not good enough" buried so deep within me that I could not even take in people's sincere compliments of myself.

It's pathetic. I had enough of shit. I don't need even more constant reminders from you. Sure, you might be having a hard time in life and I can sense that. I have always been a good listener - but this has always been a one way street. You talk, I listen. I talk, you talk back. I talk back, you took it as offensive and disrespectful. Fine. I had too much of a good life to have hard times in life. I'm not good enough. Yeah, okay. Do, say, think whatever you want, because I had enough. I am going to set better boundaries for myself from getting hurt by the people who are closest to me - for my own psychological wellbeing and sanity. I had my depressed period for the past six months that no one was aware of - until my supervisor pointed out the symptoms I had. I do not need a "depression" label hanging around me. I want things to go up, not down.

I don't need more shit, thank you very much.

=)

-Jas-