this is life.

农历新年是我最讨厌的“佳节”。 而今年的农历新年，是我活了二十年两个月零八天以来最糟糕的一次。 一开始就看人吵架，然后自己数次无辜的被骂，接着自己脾气就涨了。 还有呢？哇！有人说那只什么鸡一只一千多块钱咧！！ 他妈的。 真的在此非常衷心的送你一句很吉祥的句子： 去死啦！！！！！ 几时啊？ 我要的那个平静，安祥的日子几时会到来啊？ 我真的是在跳下山崖的状况了…… 几时可以到山崖的最底，头破血流，然后去地狱啊？ 真的好期待。 好期待那一天的到来。 -Jas-

So much for my happy ending. ----- I don't like to be mean. I don't like to be harsh. However, I will be both and mixed with other factors when I am pushed to my limits. I shall not tolerate with any unaccepted factors . Sorry if any of you hate it, because it's time to get real. -Jas-

心，在很久很久以前就对你们淡了。 现在也一样。 与完全不理会的距离只有一线之差。 反正也无法回头了，无法补救了。 我也没眼看，懒得管。 经本能告诉自己：不要理会身边的人了；不要理会别人的不开心，委屈了；对得起自己的心情，感情就够了。自己要活得开心。反正最后也是自己的生命，自己的选择。反正命中注定到最后，也会自己生活。 疼自己就好。 疼自己就好…… 人生如戏也？ 也许吧。 -Jas-

天啊~ 我又是把“自己”给弄不见了。 一而再，再而三的弄不见。 迟早真的把“自己”给弄到消失去了。 喂，回来咯！ 主人在找你啊！ *汗* -Jas-

This is really weird. Have you ever gone sleepless just because your shoulder was suddenly aching in the middle of the night along with really really weird yet disturbing feelings and thoughts? It still lingers with me until this minute and I don't like it at all. It was somehow felt as if I was going to be sick, but at the same time... it doesn't. I don't feel good about this. And I hate my instincts. Urgh. -Jas-

After 20 years of living, how come I have not met any of it? Honestly, nobody cares. Nobody cares. -Jas-

Is there any? -Jas-

好啊。 终于有一次我是非常有道理的发脾气了。 真的是好地不得了。 自己的家锁匙留在家里给两位在家的长辈用。 等于？ 我没有钥匙。 有人问：“明天（就是今天）几点会到家？” 我也答了：“大概四点多。” 然后呢？ 所谓的“明天“到了。 我就是四点多到了家门口。 哇！车不在。 再看！连家里的门啊，窗啊完全封锁。 好啊。 全体人员出门去不告诉我还没关系，可是我没锁匙进门。 脾气自然而然就滚了。 算。 进家里范围，坐在屋顶底下。 打电话。 一次。 两次。 三次。 还不接电话？ 我就是偏偏要达到你接到为止！！ 四次。 五次。 十次。 接了。 然后？ 挂了。 脏话还没出现哦。 我都觉得惊讶。 继续打。 十二次。 接。 挂。 再打。 又接。 又挂。 好啊。 我就偏偏再打。 管你电话又没有点。 接了。 马上火滚。 ”终~~~~~~于~~~~~~肯接了，啊？？？？？？？？ 我打了十多次电话干吗不接啊？！？！？！？！“ ”你在哪里？“ ”在家啦！锁匙都没有我怎样进屋子？！“ ”我怎知道你？！问你几点回家你又没说！“ 我。 靠。 他。 妈。 的。 ”我已经……！！！“ ”我电话没电了啦！我现在就回去！“ 嘟…… 完全气到无法形容。 就知会哭。 妈的。 好啊。 等了30分钟。 来了。 连姑公姑婆都没话说。 我？ 我不说话。 连看都没多看任何人一眼。 拿了锁匙，开门，进屋，开modem,进房。 完毕。 我就打算今晚一句话也不说。 谁问问题。 我答。 谁对我说话。 我会勉强应酬。 谁对我的态度发表意见？？？ 看是谁。 也许会静静听，也许会大声“说话”。 -Jas-

I don't like being or feeling confused. Why give me hopes on the other when I'm chasing for something else? Why tell me things that are contradicting? I don't like to be given the freedom to choose when in the end others tell what I should be doing. Where is my own given rights when I don't even have it in the first place? I don't like to be compared; even though I might look as if I don't care. Where have you misplace my pride? Do I not have any bit of uniqueness? Am I such a failure creation of God? I don't like being told things that indicated I am such a brainless person. Do I not have a brain? Am I not mature enough compared to my peers? Where are the words that you used to describe me and my psychological tortured life? I don't like being criticized harshly. So what is it about learning so many things? So what that I learned a little bit of everything but ending up not complete? Conclusion is I never ever accomplished anything? Why can't anyone...

Yesh. A NEW HEADER. I just need to get rid of the previous one. *because I can't stop staring at the boys* But I do ought for a new one! After all, it's a new month and a new year. Let's all hope this will be a refreshing new start. *cheers* Hmm... probably I should change a new icon too eh? I'll consider about it. *stalks for fabulous smiling yoochun* -Jas-

I was look through the boxes that I had just because my mom's nagging over me since forever; and my relatives were coming, too. See what I've found. above: the process of throwing things out of the box. above: my Geography reference book. It literally fell into pieces back then! I brought it to laminate, and then decorated it. Collage was so my thing when I was in high school. above: Planners. I kept these since 2002, there were another few more that I threw already on that day I clear a little of my stuffs and a couple of them I couldn't remember where I chuck 'em. I actually forgot that I kept so many old planners with me! Why keep such rubbish for years? *winks* Let me tell you now. Aside from being organized (surprising eh? I WAS kind of organized back then!), the planners were one of my secret keepers. Aaaaaahhhhh, I'm pretty sure now you're getting interested. *smirk* I was young, innocent, and yes naive back then. So... I did stuff that little girls do. I...

After "Tuesdays with Morrie", I have finally found another book which seemed as inspiring as one of the most famous creations of Mitch Albom. *thanks to Oprah show for recommending this* I seriously want this really badly. I wonder how much does this cost? I haven't got another book that I wanted ages ago. Why? The price was killing me. *sobs* I hope this one won't be as expensive as the other one I wanted! Love the quote that was given in the show I watched this morning. It was something like this: "Children didn't want parents to be on their roles; they wanted them to be a normal person - be themselves by putting the role "parent" away." This is not the exact quote but the meaning is there. It struck me so hard that I almost cried for that quote. Yes, you may think it sounded ridiculous but I don't. I've been looking the next big thing to hit me like Mitch Albom's Tuesdays with Morrie . Looking forward to hunt this awesome thing. ...

... am I a person who you can predict easily? I've been curious about this for a long long loooooong time. So, answer me! I promise I won't bite. *pinky promise* -Jas-

... it turns out that it might not be what I thought it may be. Is this good? Is this bad? Utada Hikaru's song says it all. "Time will tell." -Jas-

I couldn't tell what it was or were. All I can say is that I do feel parts of myself dying off bit by bit. I don't know why. I'm feeling scared. I don't want to loose myself. I don't want to loose any of them. I want them to stay. Stay forever with me. In the mean time, I'm feeling empty. All I hope is that every things and feelings will at least fall back to its original places. In the shortest period of time. For I demand for a real change. A real change for a better me. Jasmine, hwaiting. -Jas- p.s. Maybe I should create an alter ego like how Beyonce created "Sasha"?

Oh well, what more can I say. I am all in hoping that I will have the strength to stay strong until early May this year. Why? New semester seems to be all packed. New semester is definitely challenging, no doubt. What's more? I seriously have to get my ass on my piano bench and start playing instead of poking it to pass my second attempt for grade 8 practical exam this coming April. Screw you ABRSM, screw you! Psycho squad peeps who are reading this, I know many of you asked me how many subjects I will be taking this semester. And yes I know I said three (aka 3). I HAVE CHANGED MY IDEA. I will be taking four (aka 4) subjects instead because of our extra requirement for Year 2 students to pass. I don't want to think about how am I going to deal with the next short semester with four subjects yet. As for what elective I will be taking, I still have not made my decision yet. There are some things that are needed to be clarified before I make my final decision. Damn that I have no ...

I actually feel bad for not posting something on the last day of 2008. Why? It's because I usually do blog on the last day of every year. Oh well, time flies doesn't it? I've been monopolying my brother's computer ever since he went outstation with his family yesterday. AND rummaging his playlist right now. *cough* WAHHAHAHA I'm such a good sister aren't I? *flashes angel smile* I don't have much to do these couple of days so... I was thinking why not try to blog something a little bit more decent? Looking back at year 2008, there has definitely been too many ups and downs. But honestly, I just relized that I have super bad memory. (And my GOD songs my brother listen are freaking.... URGH!!!) I couldn't really remember what goes on from the starting of the year until it ends. And then? I feel that I haven't done much for the whole year. Hmmm... maybe I still have not live anywhere to the fullest eh? Aside from ups and downs, last year has definitely ...