this is life.

It's not really okay, but there are times that I just have to really jam the whole idea of "every individual is unique" into my personal-self's script. It's hard!  *sigh*  -Jas-

Well.  There are always times I love and hate being an only child. Today would be one of the days when I hated to be one. People think that being an only child is lucky - and one of the common stereotype is that only child wouldn't experience something people call "sibling rivalry" or basically being compared to someone else.  That is incorrect. I grew up my WHOLE LIFE being compared to my aunt(s; oh there are many other people I was being compared to within my family). Either I'm in someways negatively similar or dissimilar to whoever people were trying to compare myself to. And yes, today happened to be another one of those "being compared" days that I absolutely loathe.  I hate it. I really do. Let alone having my own parents doing that to me over and over again. I hated it because I was constantly being reminded of my imperfections - that I'm never "(good) enough". My "good"s and "OK"s are always being dim...

啊……我的个人霸占欲很强。属于我的东西或领域，别人绝对不能碰。 啊可是吼，我的东西老是被其他人用。好，算了。今天发现属于我的领域所霸占的空间和物品——不见了！  嗯，我觉得是荷尔蒙在作祟。 啊啊啊啊啊……我的空间已经很小了……还有很有限的……为什么别人总是搞不清楚那些是自己的，那些是别人的啊……*伤心* 我……我……那些东西我都有在花钱的啊……*哭*虽然是‘小钱’，可是还是钱啊…… *躲在角落哭泣* -Jas-

My face is currently in a rotten state. Both sides of my cheeks are pimple-full and red-ish. Even my nose is red, at both sides and the bridge because of dryness or possibly minor sunburn. Oh, not to forget my lovely chin has mountain full of pimples too. Last but not least, my lips are like two not-so-appetizing sausages hanging on my red face. Argh...! I don't like this!!! -Jas-

做人真难。 作为心理辅导员的自己，连自己的生活都没法子去了解和掌握——真的不知道如何去帮助别人。我想……这就是所谓的countertransference在作祟。自己老是‘stuck’着client的故事里，我想我应该知道原因了。记得在我做research interview的时候，和一位participant谈到她healing的过程。她说她把自己的身体医疗好了，心灵上也跟着回复——在工作上帮助了她能够更清醒的和较多心灵上的力量为client付出。我的生活就是处于很stuck的状况里。 很老实说，我觉得很累。不只是身体上的累（因为没做运动，哈哈……不像当初做工时，有几个星期六会去打球发泄。），可是心灵上的累是难以形容的。去年想把自己的心灵给整理了，于是拖拖拉拉终于把自己拉到大学的心理辅导员的椅子上。不幸的……那时候的experience不好，令我对心理辅导有所怀疑。我想……那次的经验在我的心理留下了不小的伤害。或许那个经验让我对自己的工作上有所怀疑，让我围了一个墙壁。 除此之外，也是家里的事——实在是太复杂了。近年来家里的政治真的令我很累。虽然人在千里之外，可是往往还是被家里的问题纠缠着。我也对所有家里的成员没法子，因为每个人都无动于衷，都盼望着别人有所行动然后自己在按兵不动，不想自己挖坟墓的状况里。嗯，没错。我承认我也是其一。在家里我不想做行动派，因为‘行动派’就是一个粪坑。有事就往粪坑丢，错是粪坑的错，对是按兵不动成员们的功劳。我真的很想逃避。我起初还蛮期待回家的，因为想念父母了；也想念朋友，还有食物加购物。可是近期老是听到家里的事，我真的在发疯了——心理上的疯癫。 人生啊……有很多problem makers。我也不晓得自己能够做什么，让自己的心情舒缓些。那头家里丑事和恶事连连，这头在烦恼着自己做心理辅导员的不足和短处还有课业上的懊恼。这些的同时，也在烦恼着迷茫的未来——身，心，会在何处？ 俗语说：”白天不做亏心事，半夜不怕鬼敲门，”啊可是……我没做亏心事啊……可是我真的很怕鬼呐……有事没事都在敲我的门儿叻……要怎样？ 很累。谁可以救一救我啊……脑子当了，心也粉了。嗯…… -Jas-

Sometimes... they thought they are helping you by trying to talk sense into you. But the reality is that what they're doing its eating your sense of self off of you, bit by bit. 做听话的孩子很累，因为父母认为孩子听他们的是天经地义的事情。可是往往他们忘了，孩子有自己的想法和感觉。 有时候真的很累，自己也很纠缠——要听自己的心，还是要听老人言？ 到底生活了那么久，是为了自己而活，还是别人而活？ 很多时候，让自己开心的事物，是父母或者社会和习俗不同意的——就是因为担心别人的眼光。 心里无比的纠缠。 我不知道该怎么做人了。 -Jas-

    他说： “我把她生出来养大，我还需要顾虑她的感受啊？ 我是她爸爸耶！”   可笑了。 这样说嘛…… 又不是我愿意被你生出来的，我干嘛要顾虑 你 的感受？   你是人，我不是人，是不是？ 你妈的。   不见得你对你自己的爸爸几么好， 也不顾虑他感受， 你凭什么批评我？ 就因为我半个基因是你的啊？ 你有选择生不生，我没有选择耶！ 什么道理啊？！   你妈的。 不要以为做爸爸的就大完。 孩子也是有心灵感受，有尊严的。 不是生出来一生一世给你控制的。   你妈的。   -Jas-

今天听到的“笑话”…… 公公脚痛，也肿了——他的“好女儿”买了个拐杖给他。 没有带他去看医生就算了，也没有告诉任何人他的状况。 听了，我很生气。 今天，有人告诉我…… 公公说他脚痛到麻痹，感到害怕——甚至用了“好女儿”买的拐杖狠狠地插在脚上，“啊，有痛！”才放心。 问了公公，为什么不打电话给孩子们；他说：“我不知道他们的电话号码。大纸上面写的，字都浅了，看不到！” 听了，我很心痛。 我有问公公的其中一个孩子，为什么竟然会什么都不知道（因为明明一个礼拜，有一两天是有“好孩子”去看看他的）。 孩子竟然怪在老人家身上——说老人家怪怪的，孩子问了不答，也不告诉孩子；儿媳妇问了，才告诉状况。 我说啊，你们这班孩子们是废材。 死了，世界就干净了一些。 你妈的。 -Jas-

..I am dying! I want to freaking climb on to my bed and knock off for the day, like seriously. But I'm still stuck with this damn essay, and then I have another one that has nothing!! Although I manage to get 1 day extension for my laptop's crash agenda as an excuse (which is the truth, no lies), I have no idea how the freaking hell I can pull this through - especially with the last essay/ research proposal that's due this week. Well, at least I've submitted one of of three essays this week *yay*. And then the following week, I have ANOTHER essay/ research proposal. Well, at least I still have 1 week to toggle with that one, pfft. Two days after that essay is my first exam paper. Damn it.  I'm sleepy. My brain's not working. But I need to finish this damn essay tonight.  JESUS PLEASE ANSWER MY PRAYERS TQVM! *sigh* -Jas-

Yeap.  Why am I panicking now? 1. I have 3 essays due next week. First , is in writing progress with all my points sort of laid out with the readings done. Second , is in writing progress as well - however, with no solid points laid out yet because I have not finish my readings. Third , nothing is in progress - no ideas, no readings, NOTHING. 2. My laptop crashed. My lovely Lenovo G480, bought January 2013 has a hard disk drive failure - that fails to boot (not at least 1 hour, everytime recently). Hence, now it's sent to a authorized dealer here in NZ to change the part for free (hopefully they won't bluff me - it's still under 2 years warranty). ETA? Unknown. LOL. In other words, I don't have my own laptop to work with. I have to use le-G's laptop/ tablet to work on. 3. Health is not keeping up. Having flu for the past 2 weeks is definitely a plus for my workload, period. Although I'm feeling much better now, and it's visible because I can s...

本来以为找到了两个referee，烦恼就减少了很多。结果，现在烦的是referee会不会填表格然后电邮给校方。=（ 两个里面，一个是老板，一个是同事。 老板很好，电邮告诉我他已经填好交上去了。可是校方的系统好像还没update有收到……希望不会没有吧…… 同事呢，电话上也事先告诉了她，得到同意才电邮表格给她。结果，再次提醒她两次；然后再whatsapp她——都没回复。有时侯挺讨厌whatsapp的，有了两个钩钩，还有last seen online几点几点……真的没看到我的信息吗？还是假装看不到？虽然有几次whatsapp她，她都不回复；可是她答应了帮我，应该不会出尔反尔吧…… 本来就觉得自己的人际关系很差了……酱子……唉。 * 现在是早上8.27，今天我7.30就自动起床了。昨晚大约1点睡吧。 生病感冒了，昨晚睡不好。等下的presentation也还没做完，连构思都还想不通。所以特地早起来继续做。可是现在在这里写篇文章。哈…… 都怪自己没管好时间，没读好journals找足够的资料。现在就慢慢在迷糊里摸索吧…… 希望等下我不会是最差的那个吧…… =( Q&A也希望不会答不出…… -Jas-

Where are you? I have lost both of you and miss you dearly, especially this year. Sometimes I sit here and think about my worries.  I thought to myself - is psychology not that interesting to me anymore? I wonder, how come I feel so lacking in motivation to work? What is it that I am hesitating so much? At the same time, I think to myself, why do I not seem to have questions around human's thoughts, actions and behaviors - that I struggled so much about coming up with a topic I want to research more about in my essays/ research proposals? What is wrong with me? I'm not sure if it's because I got too overwhelmed with new ways of learning and also new radical perspectives towards the issues surrounding psychology. It got to a point that I am starting to ask myself - why are these people researching about people so much, and telling us how sad/ negative the world seems? Arguments after arguments, perspectives after perspectives - everything seemed so complicated th...

Well, hello. It's Friday, but I won't shout TGIF - because it isn't really. Yet, I'm gladly to announce that I have passed up the-most-torturing-proposal-to-write-ever yesterday! Though I didn't get to proof read and everything, I'm still glad it's over. And sincerely hope that it won't look like a piece of crap for my lecturer to read. *gulps* I have another assignment due today, in less than 7 hours. So what's my progress? None! Yeap, this is the first time ever in my entire life that I am not meeting a deadline. =) Well, the lecturer gave us a tiny hint that he'll only collect the assignments on Monday morning - so as long as we hand it in before he collects it, then it's not late.  Now, how could I not take this advantage? Even so, thankfully he had this kind conditional offer - though this is one of the subjects I have a headache with. Most probably the most headache with all the scientific terminology. *gulps* I haven't s...

I used hear how people complain about how bad Monday is, or Monday blues - somehow I guess I never really understand the "Monday pain" others would describe. I only remember the reason why I hated Mondays was because I had some kind of fear going to school and having to face the first day of the week all over again. And definitely it's not something nice to feel. I didn't really experience the whole "Monday-phobia" thing ever since I got into high school. It all came back ever since I stepped my foot into the corporate world - or more like ever since I got into the work force. Not anything pleasant to greet for its comeback, seriously. It makes me query a lot - what the hell motivates people to go to work everyday? Money may be one for the factors, but not a strong enough one. Satisfaction maybe? I certainly don't really feel that kind of "oomph" or send of achievement in work. Okay maybe just a little bit of it. Other than that it's like w...

天啊…… 之前，老是烦着没面试的…… 现在突然之间一次过来了很多…… 到底是怎么一回事啊……？ 我的脚步又是另一个阶段的错乱了…… 主啊…… 不要酱来挑战我好不好……？ 不知所措！ 继续的牧导我吧…… 不想再做错的选择了…… -Jas-

Early in a rainy day like this, I got a cloud right on top of my head. A dark cloud. I feel... confused and some agony. Why asking me to grow up, when I'm being judged upon my actions as a young adult? I have passed the stage of the need to be rebellious. Although I admit, I am a rebel in nature because of how I was being brought up. I have to say if I wasn't rebel enough, I am still very much living in a freaking hole. At least now I'm living in a cave, with a bigger hole. Do you realize I have friends question upon why I am still like a baby - who needs permission to go out, report my whereabouts, get back home in a curfew, and summoned by your demands? Even they think I'm already very much too old to still be dealing all of these, because they don't have to deal as much even before they are in their twenties. Seriously. It's not that I don't know you're worried - worry about my safety outside with such a sick society. However, have I ever fail to fulf...

I'm feeling so tired. Very tired. Extremely tired. I'm so tired that I can't even think of anything positive. I'm so lost. =( Where should I go? -Jas-

It's yet another cognitive dissonance, all over again. *sigh* I have problems stepping on the same spot, again and again. I really do wonder, why am I not moving? Where's the drive I need? I don't want to say this but I sort of need a sign, a sign that points to some directions. I know I'm very lost, and I know I'm not on the right path. Yet, I really don't know which is the right way. I need a calling that can further polish my aptitudes, or at least a calling that can help me achieve a better growth. Change is a tough and scary progress. -Jas-

“这些本来就是儿子该出钱的。你不给你做儿子给钱就是不给面子他们。” 这是我有生以来听到 最胡扯的垃圾 。 这是真正所谓的说话不经过大脑。 为什么? 因为我做女儿的有在场。 意思是说： 你在“宛转”和“不经意”地告诉我，我做女儿的不用为你出一份金钱上的资助。 是吗？ 不管是不是，我就当作一半个是。 我要你尝尝吃自己说出来的垃圾。 所以女儿不是爸爸生的，对不对？ 生理上也算对的，孩子是妈妈生出来的。 只是孩子存着爸爸的基因，不是爸爸“生”的。 所以如果生了一打的女儿，一个儿子，父母就只由儿子照顾哄？ 女儿完全不用尽孝道是吗？ 就是坐着等嫁吧？ 嫁了就是别人的人了哄？ 垃圾。 就是这些垃圾，那堆泼妇才会声量大，大气的说话——完全不把任何人放在眼里。 父母就只是儿子的父母吗？女儿们不是父母生出来的是吗？ 哦~~所以女儿完全不用对父母付任何责任噢？ 什么垃圾啊？！ 太多太多的愤怒和话语我真的不想，也无法表达。 我会自己保重。 你们要说我不尊敬，不仁慈，什么也好—— 我放弃了 。 -Jas-

最近老是有一股—— 冲动 。 冲动的上班。 冲动的教学生明白。 冲动的叫他们自己写功课。 冲动的喊：“快点洗手！快点吃东西！快点拿包包！快点穿鞋子！动作给我快快快！” 冲动的吃午饭。 冲动的（还有朦胧的）做第二天的准备。 冲动的回家。 冲动的洗衣，晒衣。 冲动的冲凉。 冲动的吃饭。 冲动的看看有什么需要准备的。 冲动的睡觉。 话说回来…… 最近老是问自己：“呀~你……到底……在干吗啊？” 答案？ “…………” 就是不知道自己在干吗。 人生目标叻？ 去了哪里啊……？ 对。 我误打误撞当了幼儿班老师。 虽然做"老师“这门工是很伟大，可是…… 我觉得像把一群3-4岁的小孩送来折磨耶…… 他们这么年幼，就要学一大堆我上了中/小学才接触的知识耶…… 噢~我严重心理不平衡。 还要我把他们当”小大人“来对待。 噢~超严重的cognitive dissonance! 再加上我不觉得自己是个好榜样。 所谓：”学好三年，学坏三天。“ 不知道这些小”录影机“们从我身上带了什么不良的影响回家。 噢~有钱有地位的父母，真的是灰常恐怖！！ 问题有回来了： “呀~你……到底……在干吗啊？” 简单一句：我……不觉得自己在做着自己认为有意义的事。 就因为“冲动"我当了老师，自作自受。 是时候”冲动“去睡觉了。 *叹气* 话说回来…… 我最近也老有一股冲动想把长发剪短！ 好了。 睡觉。 -Jas-