this is life.

Well.  After nearly 3 years since my last post - I'm here.  And I'm actually procrastinating on something that I should be doing right now!  Hehe... familiar times eh? I'm not quite "coming back" per say - I honestly don't think there's anyone who reads my blog after so many years of being idle. Hmm... actually even in the past at its most active state, I doubt I have many readers to begin with! Mostly my blogs are meant for myself, a little bit like a diary keeping activity for me - to reflect, process, express, and to grow internally.   To my surprise, as I logged into my account - I noticed my blog interface has changed. I don't remember doing any changes to it, but it has definitely looked different from when I last came in and have a look! All the more reason to learn that changes do happen, even when we don't pay attention to it. And here I am, felt that I've missed out - because it is a change that I did not anticipate, and defini...

Well... It's been another long while since I last blogged. In the past four years, I've been telling myself: "I need to blog more. I need to blog more." And yet... I never do it. Funny how this healthy habit changed to rather just sit around and do nothing, or watch videos, etc. I guess... a big part of me is afraid of facing the reflections and high self-awareness that I possess. It's weird because I work as a counsellor, and it's pretty much in my innate character that I do that in a constant manner - but it's really daunting to sit down and really process those thoughts and channel through concrete words.  In my work, I love to use visual aids with my clients - Interactive Drawing Therapy, Sandplay, or just writing things down on a whiteboard or a piece of paper. All of my clients would tell me the same thing: that it is immensely helpful to put down their thoughts and feelings to a medium where they could actually see it - because it's clearer fo...

It's not really okay, but there are times that I just have to really jam the whole idea of "every individual is unique" into my personal-self's script. It's hard!  *sigh*  -Jas-

Well.  There are always times I love and hate being an only child. Today would be one of the days when I hated to be one. People think that being an only child is lucky - and one of the common stereotype is that only child wouldn't experience something people call "sibling rivalry" or basically being compared to someone else.  That is incorrect. I grew up my WHOLE LIFE being compared to my aunt(s; oh there are many other people I was being compared to within my family). Either I'm in someways negatively similar or dissimilar to whoever people were trying to compare myself to. And yes, today happened to be another one of those "being compared" days that I absolutely loathe.  I hate it. I really do. Let alone having my own parents doing that to me over and over again. I hated it because I was constantly being reminded of my imperfections - that I'm never "(good) enough". My "good"s and "OK"s are always being dim...

Well, I am here pretty much because I am procrastinating. In one of my earlier posts, I mentioned about having 3 case studies and 1 research project to complete. I have so far pretty much completed 1 case study, not really half way there through my research, and... have my data for case study number 2, and nothing for case study 3. *anxiety alert* It's kind of hard to get into the hamster-in-the-rolling-wheel mode when I broke that cycle by going somewhere for a short travel and ended up still in holiday mode after... a few days. To be fair, I am starting to get on that hamster wheel (albeit a little slow) from yesterday and have yet to get on that wheel for today. Mmph... I believe I'll get there soon. Haha~ For the past (almost) 2 years, I have been dreading about Skyping home - because of all the conflicts and what-not that's been going around. I - who have always been a faithful listener to my mom's ramblings - pretty much had enough of it. The counsellor in me do...

啊……我的个人霸占欲很强。属于我的东西或领域，别人绝对不能碰。 啊可是吼，我的东西老是被其他人用。好，算了。今天发现属于我的领域所霸占的空间和物品——不见了！  嗯，我觉得是荷尔蒙在作祟。 啊啊啊啊啊……我的空间已经很小了……还有很有限的……为什么别人总是搞不清楚那些是自己的，那些是别人的啊……*伤心* 我……我……那些东西我都有在花钱的啊……*哭*虽然是‘小钱’，可是还是钱啊…… *躲在角落哭泣* -Jas-

My face is currently in a rotten state. Both sides of my cheeks are pimple-full and red-ish. Even my nose is red, at both sides and the bridge because of dryness or possibly minor sunburn. Oh, not to forget my lovely chin has mountain full of pimples too. Last but not least, my lips are like two not-so-appetizing sausages hanging on my red face. Argh...! I don't like this!!! -Jas-

It's going to be August already. I still have 3 case studies and a research portfolio to complete. Progress is... probably... 25%? WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!! I gotta freaking buck up man... I still gotta do tonnes of research for journals, write 9582983472394 more words for everything, crack my brain for everything as well, errr... what else? Oh, I totally forgot about the need to fulfill my hours, but I'm just going to leave it there at the moment. Read, write, read, write, analyze, analyze, ANALYZE. Organize, organize, ORGANIZE. Yep, pretty much loosing my mind now. By procrastinating. Hehehehe... Goodbye. -Jas-

做人真难。 作为心理辅导员的自己，连自己的生活都没法子去了解和掌握——真的不知道如何去帮助别人。我想……这就是所谓的countertransference在作祟。自己老是‘stuck’着client的故事里，我想我应该知道原因了。记得在我做research interview的时候，和一位participant谈到她healing的过程。她说她把自己的身体医疗好了，心灵上也跟着回复——在工作上帮助了她能够更清醒的和较多心灵上的力量为client付出。我的生活就是处于很stuck的状况里。 很老实说，我觉得很累。不只是身体上的累（因为没做运动，哈哈……不像当初做工时，有几个星期六会去打球发泄。），可是心灵上的累是难以形容的。去年想把自己的心灵给整理了，于是拖拖拉拉终于把自己拉到大学的心理辅导员的椅子上。不幸的……那时候的experience不好，令我对心理辅导有所怀疑。我想……那次的经验在我的心理留下了不小的伤害。或许那个经验让我对自己的工作上有所怀疑，让我围了一个墙壁。 除此之外，也是家里的事——实在是太复杂了。近年来家里的政治真的令我很累。虽然人在千里之外，可是往往还是被家里的问题纠缠着。我也对所有家里的成员没法子，因为每个人都无动于衷，都盼望着别人有所行动然后自己在按兵不动，不想自己挖坟墓的状况里。嗯，没错。我承认我也是其一。在家里我不想做行动派，因为‘行动派’就是一个粪坑。有事就往粪坑丢，错是粪坑的错，对是按兵不动成员们的功劳。我真的很想逃避。我起初还蛮期待回家的，因为想念父母了；也想念朋友，还有食物加购物。可是近期老是听到家里的事，我真的在发疯了——心理上的疯癫。 人生啊……有很多problem makers。我也不晓得自己能够做什么，让自己的心情舒缓些。那头家里丑事和恶事连连，这头在烦恼着自己做心理辅导员的不足和短处还有课业上的懊恼。这些的同时，也在烦恼着迷茫的未来——身，心，会在何处？ 俗语说：”白天不做亏心事，半夜不怕鬼敲门，”啊可是……我没做亏心事啊……可是我真的很怕鬼呐……有事没事都在敲我的门儿叻……要怎样？ 很累。谁可以救一救我啊……脑子当了，心也粉了。嗯…… -Jas-

Sometimes... they thought they are helping you by trying to talk sense into you. But the reality is that what they're doing its eating your sense of self off of you, bit by bit. 做听话的孩子很累，因为父母认为孩子听他们的是天经地义的事情。可是往往他们忘了，孩子有自己的想法和感觉。 有时候真的很累，自己也很纠缠——要听自己的心，还是要听老人言？ 到底生活了那么久，是为了自己而活，还是别人而活？ 很多时候，让自己开心的事物，是父母或者社会和习俗不同意的——就是因为担心别人的眼光。 心里无比的纠缠。 我不知道该怎么做人了。 -Jas-

My classes technically have finished in late October, but I yet to have much rest until now. Having said that, I've been slacking quite a bit throughout this year - and I am still slacking now after coming back from meeting someone today. Yeap, my motivation is pretty much not sticking with me. Alas, motivation.  Honestly, while I thought last year was difficult enough - this year is a different kind of difficulty. I am being challenged in so many aspects, and I really couldn't recall in which earlier points of my life I have feel so overwhelmed with everything. I was tired, extremely fatigued.  Yeap. It is a tough year. It took me a little too long to figure out what was wrong with me, or maybe - what went wrong. To put it simply, there are two main things: (1) how the sense of defeat carried over from last year to this year and I pretty much did not manage to really stand-up with my two feet until today; and, (2) I have been anxious about the past, the present and es...

Helplessness. That's all I can say. -Jas-

I wasn't sure what came through my mind that led me to suddenly thought of "Multiply" - a platform similar to Facebook + Blogger. It was the first place where my blogging/ sharing "vibe" came in. I couldn't remember how I get to know about Multiply... Hmmmm...  But anyhow, I just realized it today that Multiply closed down for good since 31 May 2013! It was quite a shame, and somehow I felt a little emotional and sad about it. Probably it's because I used to be so connected to it before. Now that it's closed, a fraction of my memories and sharing has been dumped into cyberspace, literally. *sigh* Oh well. Probably this is a sign that I should back-up all my blog entries! =\ -Jas-

Finding my way has not been easy. Being a counselor has somehow become simpler. It's so much easier to not know the answers than to try to figure them out. It's so much easier just to be present than to try to be perfect. (Poliks, 2002, p. 37) from the book Counselors Finding Their Way, edited by Jeffrey A. Kottler (2002).

    他说： “我把她生出来养大，我还需要顾虑她的感受啊？ 我是她爸爸耶！”   可笑了。 这样说嘛…… 又不是我愿意被你生出来的，我干嘛要顾虑 你 的感受？   你是人，我不是人，是不是？ 你妈的。   不见得你对你自己的爸爸几么好， 也不顾虑他感受， 你凭什么批评我？ 就因为我半个基因是你的啊？ 你有选择生不生，我没有选择耶！ 什么道理啊？！   你妈的。 不要以为做爸爸的就大完。 孩子也是有心灵感受，有尊严的。 不是生出来一生一世给你控制的。   你妈的。   -Jas-

今天听到的“笑话”…… 公公脚痛，也肿了——他的“好女儿”买了个拐杖给他。 没有带他去看医生就算了，也没有告诉任何人他的状况。 听了，我很生气。 今天，有人告诉我…… 公公说他脚痛到麻痹，感到害怕——甚至用了“好女儿”买的拐杖狠狠地插在脚上，“啊，有痛！”才放心。 问了公公，为什么不打电话给孩子们；他说：“我不知道他们的电话号码。大纸上面写的，字都浅了，看不到！” 听了，我很心痛。 我有问公公的其中一个孩子，为什么竟然会什么都不知道（因为明明一个礼拜，有一两天是有“好孩子”去看看他的）。 孩子竟然怪在老人家身上——说老人家怪怪的，孩子问了不答，也不告诉孩子；儿媳妇问了，才告诉状况。 我说啊，你们这班孩子们是废材。 死了，世界就干净了一些。 你妈的。 -Jas-

You always manage to pick yourself up - with or without help from any forces. It's okay, Jasmine. You always do. =) Nothing else you need to believe besides yourself, and your own abilities. It's okay. -Jas-

There's a saying that every cloud has a silver lining. I think... it's very true.  But it depends whether if you want to search for that silver lining or not. I think I saw one today. =) -Jas-

I should be doing my assignment... lol. I shall (try to)make this a quick, short blog. Being 197347023847203984234710980943834573094857 miles away from home, I thank God for the invention of Skype that made communication easier and friendlier (even though I always complain how Skype performed badly at times). I just Skyped back home a short while ago, with mom ending the session: "I miss you-lah!" *disconnects* And I'm guessing she's showering her face with some tears. Welp. =/ There's a Chinese saying that "every family has a difficult mantra", which means in every household, there will be their very own difficulties of any sort. This, of course, applies to my own immediate family and two different sides of extended families. In yesterday's family therapy class, there was a discussion about "family myths/ beliefs" that we possess or practice within our own families. One of the myths discussed was "family members should be happy to...

After Tuesday's (19 Mar '14) ethics class... I think I sort of changed my perception towards the usage of toys, or rather "symbols" within Roger's counselling terms. I've always associated toys with children, mostly. Something that they use to learn and have fun along the way through play or imagination. Until when I was introduced with play therapy back in undergrad years, new perceptions about toys were formed. Toys are language or communication tools children use to express themselves in various aspects; they are not just "toys" for children, but can help represent their thoughts if used in the right environment. Of course, the usage of toys may be therapeutic and beneficial for children in general; but it could also help adults in similar ideas. I remember the first lab group I have attended a couple weeks ago, and I asked the lab tutor if we're allowed to use the toys. She immediately corrected me, by saying: "Now, these are not toy...