this is life.

OK. So, brief update before I knock myself off on bed. *Oh God, WHY is it only Tuesday tonight? T.T* Anyhow, briefly & quickly...! #1 - SS EL day. SS on EL today, due to bleeding teeth/ gum non-stop. Oh God, that's a first for me to listen that after tooth extraction - bleeding comes after a few days! Plus, hospital couldn't help only after she have the wire of her braces removed. God. SS, I can so feel you when you said it's like menstrual in your mouth. LOL. #2 - DHL parcel. Well, as P mentioned - besides the docs, the rest are for me. Didn't imagine he really mean it! Thank you for the chocolate + peach handphone strap from Japan. =) Somehow it carries a very much sentimental value to me. #3 - Travel agency. Haha... thank you for complimenting me - that I'm one awesome person. =) That surely help to boost a little of my self confidence + faith! Hopefully I'd have a little time (also, if my memory doesn't fail me) to blog a...

Love is not just a feeling. It's a commitment, a responsibility. It's like a never ending conversation with your best friend. And well, with a certain amount of Libido involved. =) -Jas-

I didn't know why, I was suddenly being reminded of certain things - that I had to blog. Well well... hello blog. =) It's been a while, isn't it? And I will always just have to blog whenever I feel so sleepy! Alright, let's try to make this fast, short & sweet. =) To sum up my day, I've went out with my parents. We were trying to look for this new mall, locating very very far away from where we stay. And yes, we got very lost - because my dad actually set the wrong destination using the GPS. How could we not get lost like that eh? *sigh* My dad decided to just randomly drive around, and he literally did. Hoping that doing in such way would led him to the right destination - obviously, it did not turn out to be as hoped. Along the way while he was driving around the highways, I was sitting at the back seat - thinking loads of stuff. There's a little serene moment, despite the fact that I feel a waste of time being lost at nowhere. Yes, I appreciated...

"I have learned now that while those who speak about one’s miseries usually hurt, those who keep silent hurt more." - C. S. Lewis  Only those whom experienced, understands. -Jas-

"You may not always know what path you’re on, but it’s still a path."  - Carpenter, 2002 (cited from http://www.apa.org/careers/resources/profiles/carpenter.aspx ) Something very relate-able for me. =) -Jas-

I used hear how people complain about how bad Monday is, or Monday blues - somehow I guess I never really understand the "Monday pain" others would describe. I only remember the reason why I hated Mondays was because I had some kind of fear going to school and having to face the first day of the week all over again. And definitely it's not something nice to feel. I didn't really experience the whole "Monday-phobia" thing ever since I got into high school. It all came back ever since I stepped my foot into the corporate world - or more like ever since I got into the work force. Not anything pleasant to greet for its comeback, seriously. It makes me query a lot - what the hell motivates people to go to work everyday? Money may be one for the factors, but not a strong enough one. Satisfaction maybe? I certainly don't really feel that kind of "oomph" or send of achievement in work. Okay maybe just a little bit of it. Other than that it's like w...

Since when I abandoned by blog? Wow. Since October 2011. How many things that I missed out jotting down in here? Plenty. Plenty. Life haven't been too tremendous. Life had been rather messy. Many doubts. Lost of path. Blurred goals. Tonnes of hesitations. Wow. I didn't post anything about my birthday, my new job, my year end speech, my fun moments, my pit bottom moments, my inspirational moments, my... just too many! Blogging - is a way to foster my growth, really. Ever since I blogged much lesser than I used to be, I felt the growth stopped somehow. Blogging helped so much in my emotional growth, as well as my morale growth. I really need to spend more time doing meaningful thing - and blogging would be one of them. Let's go, Jasmine! Let's get that blogging vibe back and grow better! You're awesome, and you need to get that belief back. =) -Jas-

想想想想。 一直想有什么用？ 想太多，头痛了。 想越多，心烦了。 想更多，灵乱了。 老实说…… 想了又用吗？ 除了让自己的心情不好，心灵不安，情绪不稳等等之外， 有用吗？ 答案，是知道的。 可是，我还在纠缠着。 就是一直想。 真的很想把脑袋给拔了下来。 再把心给砸烂它。 我只想要身体，心灵和精神上的平静啊…… 平静你在哪里…… -Jas-

保持沉默之余被理解, 是一种奢望。 所谓的"改变"， 不曾在。 * 吾鸣其哀。 其君吾晓。 言之不尽。 悲也…… * 口讲无凭， 行动最实际。 可是行动…… 也许有风，但无影。 -Jas-

=) I shall not fear the silliest or stupidest mistakes I make. Mistakes give valuable lessons, regardless of it's size. Therefore I shall embrace and value these really stupid mistakes I made. I believe these mistakes will help me excel in my performance. Yes, they will definitely help me excel! I believe I am more capable than those silly mistakes I made. I will use the time to earn the chance to prove to myself that I can! Positive thinking, and positive self fulfilling prophecy!!! :D -Jas-

天啊…… 之前，老是烦着没面试的…… 现在突然之间一次过来了很多…… 到底是怎么一回事啊……？ 我的脚步又是另一个阶段的错乱了…… 主啊…… 不要酱来挑战我好不好……？ 不知所措！ 继续的牧导我吧…… 不想再做错的选择了…… -Jas-

Exactly how I feel right now. In every precise way you can describe about it. I don't want to beg for signs... because I long to find answers by myself. But... I'm so torn and lost. What is life? I need it back... -Jas-

I guess this is the early stages of depression. I don't feel happy today. Sleep effect? -Jas-

Early in a rainy day like this, I got a cloud right on top of my head. A dark cloud. I feel... confused and some agony. Why asking me to grow up, when I'm being judged upon my actions as a young adult? I have passed the stage of the need to be rebellious. Although I admit, I am a rebel in nature because of how I was being brought up. I have to say if I wasn't rebel enough, I am still very much living in a freaking hole. At least now I'm living in a cave, with a bigger hole. Do you realize I have friends question upon why I am still like a baby - who needs permission to go out, report my whereabouts, get back home in a curfew, and summoned by your demands? Even they think I'm already very much too old to still be dealing all of these, because they don't have to deal as much even before they are in their twenties. Seriously. It's not that I don't know you're worried - worry about my safety outside with such a sick society. However, have I ever fail to fulf...

I'm still sitting in front of my laptop, sitting at the dining hall instead of my room. Which... is rather odd, especially I'm in the dining hall instead. Filling up the application form and uncle sent to me (his assistant actually), cracking my brains out on how to write an essay. Oh well, at least I have more time to think compared to filling the form right during interviews. As I said, I am sitting here. And I'm still sitting here typing this. LOL. I went through my blog titles, clicked through quite a few of them randomly (statistically not random enough). As I read, I thought to myself: Hey, you really should sit down and read back all of those posts. I get inspired. Yes, as cliche as it may sound. I got inspired by my old posts, my old thoughts that were obviously mine. Suddenly I feel... hmm... I don't really know the way to describe it. Probably because it's already late at night, and my brain's not really turning at the moment. It's time to relive t...

When your 80 becomes 20, you feel more or less at loss. However, when your 80 is being replaced over, you feel more than the sensation of loss. It's the sensation of lemons squished on your wound. You wouldn't know until you feel it. =) -Jas-

他们说，蝎子们啊…… 观察力强。 疑心病重。 妒忌心强。 霸占欲大。 报复心重。 是个完美主义大使。 也不算错， 可是确实不完全对。 蝎子的 阴险和纯真只有那一线之差。 就是那条很细，却很长的线的差距。 然后还要在那条线上纠缠着…… *叹气* 当“观察力”加上“疑心病”的组合…… 唔……矛盾。 是因为“观察力强”而影响了“疑心病”的重量吗？ 还是因为“疑心病重”培养了“观察力”的能力？ 不管是哪一方， 都带给了蝎子 不少的疑问，心酸，和伤痕。 观察力+疑心病=天灾的组合 当然，也是自卫的秘密武器。 深处一个很暗的小角落里， 有着一小点清除不掉的霉菌。 不管多大的太阳， 多好的照顾那间房子…… 除非找对了它隐藏的地方， 还有适当的强药水来清除它…… 霉菌是不会消失的。 看不见它，就忘了它的存在。 可是偶然在老地方看一看…… 霉菌慢慢扩张得越来越多了。 -Jas-

I suddenly... miss my counselor. They say the biggest challenge and enemy is your own self, your own pride and ego. Psychologically speaking, it would be fighting against the debate between the superego and ID. Hence the torture for the ego. Ego says: "So what I'm going to do now? Conclusion is...?" *debate between superego and ID continues* I woke up this morning, having the most Freudian dream I could ever remember having; after living for almost 23 years and dreaming so much at nights or in the mornings. I dreamed about all the things I stayed away from: certain people, certain situations, and certain emotions. Hmm... somehow it almost feel like having ASD. Haha. I question myself. My nature and nurture. Sometimes I couldn't understand. Why am I being so hard on myself? Why is it that I'm so unforgiving towards myself? Why do I think so much? Why do I perceive so negatively about myself? Why is it that I think so lowly about myself? Darn you egocentrism freak. ...

如此安静。 双眼紧闭。 调试呼吸。 心灵？ 不曾。 嗯。 继续安静。 =) -Jas-

Hmm... Let me count the years... *counts with fingers* Six years. =) It had been a couple of times, whereby I forgot the tragical feeling of a certain date. In short, it had been a couple of years ago that I was able to let go a great deal of the dueling emotions of sorrow, anger and loss. And little did I notice how time had slowly cure the wound created many years ago. =) I wouldn't say the pain had gone, and that the wound is sealed - for its scar had never ever will heal, and would still hurt once in a while. The up side of it, is that at least I can look back and smile a little more, rather than getting so caught up with the sad emotions. Six years and three days, since you've been gone. Life has been rough, and it had certainly got tougher for me - I wish you'd know and be there for me to talk to, because you had always been my guider. And I still miss you dearly, every once in a while. I couldn't think of you without shedding tears, but I'm smiling more now w...