When a dream finally becomes a reality.
Well... Hello.
It's been quite a while again, hasn't it?
Not sure if there are still anyone dropping by here every once in a while, as even the author herself has been rather abandoning her own blog - and more (rather) severely, her inner touches. Hmm... There has been a lot of things to think about, really. The thing about reflection takes a lot of courage, and I have been seeing myself hiding and shutting away from my own little bomb shell. Yes, bomb shell - not exactly a safe shell for me to hide into, isn't it?
So, how have I been?
That is quite a tricky question.
Yes, I'm starting to fulfill my dreams. However, as I am sitting within my dream that has already becoming somewhat a reality - I am having doubts with my dream. What? Why? Hmm... well well... somehow something that I was pretty fond of had become quite a distant stranger, eh bloggie? I'm very much loosing touch of you, that I am now much more afraid to pour myself as much as I used to back in those days when I'm active in blogging. Those were the times I would say, more sane and carefree than who I have become today.
Wow, now that's kind of sad; because I am now telling you that my intellectual ability is regressing steeply. What's going on? Well, probably I should just go straight to the core (at least at this moment) to give a tight slap on my face to hopefully wake up a little.
So, what's going on with me right now?
... hmm.
Maybe I should use Psychoanalysis with myself as I type:
Lost, unsure, loosing ability to construct my writings, my essay writing sucks big time, my critical thinking sucks... or do I even have critical thinking skills again? Am I supposed to be here? Am I competent enough to study postgraduate? Why the hell I do not have proper structures in almost all my essays that all my lecturers are telling me the same thing? Wow, I have grammar problems! And it's all over the place! OMG am I going to get a "D" for my courses...? Seriously, what's wrong with me. Why can't I bloody properly write essays? Is it because of the 2 years hiatus away from academic life? Seriously? Why the hell I couldn't apply the things I've learnt in my bloody essay? Seriously, my lecturer gave me 4 out of 10 for my essay - so I guess I really failed that assignment eh? WTF. I failed at a freaking postgraduate level. Seriously, should I really be spending my parents' money sitting here and study postgraduate degree? What if I really get shit marks for my courses? How am I going to get on with my masters? So after my PgDip and my masters, I can't be a counselor - so what I am supposed to be working as? WTF now only I'm thinking about possible prospects? Ok wait, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH MY WRITING SKILLS? Why the hell I don't seem to understand what I'm reading?! How am I suppose to write it properly, academically and with great quality? Wait, how come I didn't know how to do all of those? I used to be a student right? Okay now I'm pretty angry at myself, because I don't think I suck to that extent. I write pretty damn good essays with good critical thinking skills. Maybe because I cramp too much in the last minute that I couldn't think straight? Why the hell am I procrastinating at this level and point of time? Seriously... Am I capable of what I wanted to be? I'm unstable, emotional, and get freakishly stressed out too easily. What's wrong with me? Ok now I'm scared. I seemed so emotionally unfit to be a counselor. So what can I do if I can't be one? Find a husband get married and have kids and be a housewife maybe. But... I don't want to be like that. I want to be someone useful, someone that my parents could be proud of - someone that reaches her own goal and succeeds. But now, I'm scared. I'm scared that I wouldn't be able to reach the expectations, and that I would fall flat and never stand up again. Yes, I'm stressed out again at this moment. What can I do? Do I really suck that much...?
Now... I'm not exactly sure how to keep myself motivated at this point of time - that I am currently cramming about my upcoming huge assignments and presentation. And yes, none of them are done yet or in proper progress.
Suppose I have to admit... that I got used to, or prefer things to come to me easily. That would probably explained why I struggle so badly as I'm currently in a rather deep glitch. At the same time, I lack flexibility - I see things in one straight line to the goal, and there are not any alternative routes. I am afraid of loosing, loosing to everybody around me even though I might not strive to be the best of all - but at least having a good position of what I am doing, at least something that's slightly above average. At the same time, I am pretty much uptight towards myself.
I suppose... the thing called "expectation" is getting to me big time. There are people's expectation towards me, whether if I fly or fall - from my parents, my relatives and my friends directly or indirectly. Somehow I created my own walls to bang on, and putting great pressure on myself that I must succeed beautifully and make people proud (and put some shame on others).
As I talked to my BF, weeping like a helpless child about how my writings were being criticized and my marks are low - I couldn't help but to doubt my own abilities. Am I really that bad? It's funny how I seek assurance on people's opinion on my abilities - that I'll do just fine and I'm capable. Yet again and again the results are disappointing for my standards. Then I start to wonder, maybe I really do suck.. just that people don't want to break my spirit and heart hence they just lied to me.
A comment made by my BF, saying: don't dwell about how you suck. People can comment because there's room for improvement. So, it's time to take those comments to improve your next upcoming essay writings. I sat there thinking, true. Why do I always look at the past, and not the present and the future? At the same time, I couldn't help but to mourn over my "fall".
Talking with him earlier during our lunch cooking session, I asked him: "Do you think it's because I'm over pressuring myself... that I under perform?" He nodded, and thinks that I am in that kind of shitty condition.
Thinking back the days I studied psychology in my undergraduate days, I wouldn't say I perform greatly; however, I don't really remember feeling pressured. Well... of course I do feel pressured for some courses and assignments but it's a different kind of pressure I'm sitting here and experiencing it through my veins right now. I don't find myself enjoying as much as the days in my bachelor degree. Am I... not loving/ feeling psychology anymore...? Maybe not, because I would still feel excited to attend classes (though now I feel more different because of how my mark sucks).
I suppose... what makes it so different today compared to my bachelor degree days is... that I lack of flow. The flow that keeps me up to my optimum level, or at least not to the extent that I'm so over stressed right now. At the same time, I'm scared of failing the expectations people have towards me - and I forgot... what are my own expectations? Okay... maybe I set my bar a little too high up for myself, and I'm not reaching that bar - that's why I'm cringing over my little failures so much right now. I'm scared, petrified so much, that I am not enjoying the process of learning.
Maybe... just, maybe... If I let loose a little, would that be okay? That I learn to have fun while learning my materials, rather than trying so hard to jam them into my head and understand every bits and pieces of it... Would I feel better, and hopefully perform better too? Maybe... instead of thinking: how to write in order to be the best, and score the best; probably I should enjoy exploring those journals and write my enjoyment for my essays would be better?
Maybe... just maybe... I try not to put my studies so seriously as if its a life and death situation... and embrace the enjoyment of knowing more instead of "must know all of these, jam em into brain"... might just be a better and happier approach.
Maybe... I would try that, and try not to bother too much about grades.
*hugs*
-Jas-
It's been quite a while again, hasn't it?
Not sure if there are still anyone dropping by here every once in a while, as even the author herself has been rather abandoning her own blog - and more (rather) severely, her inner touches. Hmm... There has been a lot of things to think about, really. The thing about reflection takes a lot of courage, and I have been seeing myself hiding and shutting away from my own little bomb shell. Yes, bomb shell - not exactly a safe shell for me to hide into, isn't it?
So, how have I been?
That is quite a tricky question.
Yes, I'm starting to fulfill my dreams. However, as I am sitting within my dream that has already becoming somewhat a reality - I am having doubts with my dream. What? Why? Hmm... well well... somehow something that I was pretty fond of had become quite a distant stranger, eh bloggie? I'm very much loosing touch of you, that I am now much more afraid to pour myself as much as I used to back in those days when I'm active in blogging. Those were the times I would say, more sane and carefree than who I have become today.
Wow, now that's kind of sad; because I am now telling you that my intellectual ability is regressing steeply. What's going on? Well, probably I should just go straight to the core (at least at this moment) to give a tight slap on my face to hopefully wake up a little.
So, what's going on with me right now?
... hmm.
Maybe I should use Psychoanalysis with myself as I type:
Lost, unsure, loosing ability to construct my writings, my essay writing sucks big time, my critical thinking sucks... or do I even have critical thinking skills again? Am I supposed to be here? Am I competent enough to study postgraduate? Why the hell I do not have proper structures in almost all my essays that all my lecturers are telling me the same thing? Wow, I have grammar problems! And it's all over the place! OMG am I going to get a "D" for my courses...? Seriously, what's wrong with me. Why can't I bloody properly write essays? Is it because of the 2 years hiatus away from academic life? Seriously? Why the hell I couldn't apply the things I've learnt in my bloody essay? Seriously, my lecturer gave me 4 out of 10 for my essay - so I guess I really failed that assignment eh? WTF. I failed at a freaking postgraduate level. Seriously, should I really be spending my parents' money sitting here and study postgraduate degree? What if I really get shit marks for my courses? How am I going to get on with my masters? So after my PgDip and my masters, I can't be a counselor - so what I am supposed to be working as? WTF now only I'm thinking about possible prospects? Ok wait, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH MY WRITING SKILLS? Why the hell I don't seem to understand what I'm reading?! How am I suppose to write it properly, academically and with great quality? Wait, how come I didn't know how to do all of those? I used to be a student right? Okay now I'm pretty angry at myself, because I don't think I suck to that extent. I write pretty damn good essays with good critical thinking skills. Maybe because I cramp too much in the last minute that I couldn't think straight? Why the hell am I procrastinating at this level and point of time? Seriously... Am I capable of what I wanted to be? I'm unstable, emotional, and get freakishly stressed out too easily. What's wrong with me? Ok now I'm scared. I seemed so emotionally unfit to be a counselor. So what can I do if I can't be one? Find a husband get married and have kids and be a housewife maybe. But... I don't want to be like that. I want to be someone useful, someone that my parents could be proud of - someone that reaches her own goal and succeeds. But now, I'm scared. I'm scared that I wouldn't be able to reach the expectations, and that I would fall flat and never stand up again. Yes, I'm stressed out again at this moment. What can I do? Do I really suck that much...?
Now... I'm not exactly sure how to keep myself motivated at this point of time - that I am currently cramming about my upcoming huge assignments and presentation. And yes, none of them are done yet or in proper progress.
Suppose I have to admit... that I got used to, or prefer things to come to me easily. That would probably explained why I struggle so badly as I'm currently in a rather deep glitch. At the same time, I lack flexibility - I see things in one straight line to the goal, and there are not any alternative routes. I am afraid of loosing, loosing to everybody around me even though I might not strive to be the best of all - but at least having a good position of what I am doing, at least something that's slightly above average. At the same time, I am pretty much uptight towards myself.
I suppose... the thing called "expectation" is getting to me big time. There are people's expectation towards me, whether if I fly or fall - from my parents, my relatives and my friends directly or indirectly. Somehow I created my own walls to bang on, and putting great pressure on myself that I must succeed beautifully and make people proud (and put some shame on others).
As I talked to my BF, weeping like a helpless child about how my writings were being criticized and my marks are low - I couldn't help but to doubt my own abilities. Am I really that bad? It's funny how I seek assurance on people's opinion on my abilities - that I'll do just fine and I'm capable. Yet again and again the results are disappointing for my standards. Then I start to wonder, maybe I really do suck.. just that people don't want to break my spirit and heart hence they just lied to me.
A comment made by my BF, saying: don't dwell about how you suck. People can comment because there's room for improvement. So, it's time to take those comments to improve your next upcoming essay writings. I sat there thinking, true. Why do I always look at the past, and not the present and the future? At the same time, I couldn't help but to mourn over my "fall".
Talking with him earlier during our lunch cooking session, I asked him: "Do you think it's because I'm over pressuring myself... that I under perform?" He nodded, and thinks that I am in that kind of shitty condition.
Thinking back the days I studied psychology in my undergraduate days, I wouldn't say I perform greatly; however, I don't really remember feeling pressured. Well... of course I do feel pressured for some courses and assignments but it's a different kind of pressure I'm sitting here and experiencing it through my veins right now. I don't find myself enjoying as much as the days in my bachelor degree. Am I... not loving/ feeling psychology anymore...? Maybe not, because I would still feel excited to attend classes (though now I feel more different because of how my mark sucks).
I suppose... what makes it so different today compared to my bachelor degree days is... that I lack of flow. The flow that keeps me up to my optimum level, or at least not to the extent that I'm so over stressed right now. At the same time, I'm scared of failing the expectations people have towards me - and I forgot... what are my own expectations? Okay... maybe I set my bar a little too high up for myself, and I'm not reaching that bar - that's why I'm cringing over my little failures so much right now. I'm scared, petrified so much, that I am not enjoying the process of learning.
Maybe... just, maybe... If I let loose a little, would that be okay? That I learn to have fun while learning my materials, rather than trying so hard to jam them into my head and understand every bits and pieces of it... Would I feel better, and hopefully perform better too? Maybe... instead of thinking: how to write in order to be the best, and score the best; probably I should enjoy exploring those journals and write my enjoyment for my essays would be better?
Maybe... just maybe... I try not to put my studies so seriously as if its a life and death situation... and embrace the enjoyment of knowing more instead of "must know all of these, jam em into brain"... might just be a better and happier approach.
Maybe... I would try that, and try not to bother too much about grades.
*hugs*
-Jas-
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