this is life.

Sometimes... they thought they are helping you by trying to talk sense into you. But the reality is that what they're doing its eating your sense of self off of you, bit by bit. 做听话的孩子很累，因为父母认为孩子听他们的是天经地义的事情。可是往往他们忘了，孩子有自己的想法和感觉。 有时候真的很累，自己也很纠缠——要听自己的心，还是要听老人言？ 到底生活了那么久，是为了自己而活，还是别人而活？ 很多时候，让自己开心的事物，是父母或者社会和习俗不同意的——就是因为担心别人的眼光。 心里无比的纠缠。 我不知道该怎么做人了。 -Jas-

My classes technically have finished in late October, but I yet to have much rest until now. Having said that, I've been slacking quite a bit throughout this year - and I am still slacking now after coming back from meeting someone today. Yeap, my motivation is pretty much not sticking with me. Alas, motivation.  Honestly, while I thought last year was difficult enough - this year is a different kind of difficulty. I am being challenged in so many aspects, and I really couldn't recall in which earlier points of my life I have feel so overwhelmed with everything. I was tired, extremely fatigued.  Yeap. It is a tough year. It took me a little too long to figure out what was wrong with me, or maybe - what went wrong. To put it simply, there are two main things: (1) how the sense of defeat carried over from last year to this year and I pretty much did not manage to really stand-up with my two feet until today; and, (2) I have been anxious about the past, the present and es...

Helplessness. That's all I can say. -Jas-

I wasn't sure what came through my mind that led me to suddenly thought of "Multiply" - a platform similar to Facebook + Blogger. It was the first place where my blogging/ sharing "vibe" came in. I couldn't remember how I get to know about Multiply... Hmmmm...  But anyhow, I just realized it today that Multiply closed down for good since 31 May 2013! It was quite a shame, and somehow I felt a little emotional and sad about it. Probably it's because I used to be so connected to it before. Now that it's closed, a fraction of my memories and sharing has been dumped into cyberspace, literally. *sigh* Oh well. Probably this is a sign that I should back-up all my blog entries! =\ -Jas-

Finding my way has not been easy. Being a counselor has somehow become simpler. It's so much easier to not know the answers than to try to figure them out. It's so much easier just to be present than to try to be perfect. (Poliks, 2002, p. 37) from the book Counselors Finding Their Way, edited by Jeffrey A. Kottler (2002).

    他说： “我把她生出来养大，我还需要顾虑她的感受啊？ 我是她爸爸耶！”   可笑了。 这样说嘛…… 又不是我愿意被你生出来的，我干嘛要顾虑 你 的感受？   你是人，我不是人，是不是？ 你妈的。   不见得你对你自己的爸爸几么好， 也不顾虑他感受， 你凭什么批评我？ 就因为我半个基因是你的啊？ 你有选择生不生，我没有选择耶！ 什么道理啊？！   你妈的。 不要以为做爸爸的就大完。 孩子也是有心灵感受，有尊严的。 不是生出来一生一世给你控制的。   你妈的。   -Jas-

今天听到的“笑话”…… 公公脚痛，也肿了——他的“好女儿”买了个拐杖给他。 没有带他去看医生就算了，也没有告诉任何人他的状况。 听了，我很生气。 今天，有人告诉我…… 公公说他脚痛到麻痹，感到害怕——甚至用了“好女儿”买的拐杖狠狠地插在脚上，“啊，有痛！”才放心。 问了公公，为什么不打电话给孩子们；他说：“我不知道他们的电话号码。大纸上面写的，字都浅了，看不到！” 听了，我很心痛。 我有问公公的其中一个孩子，为什么竟然会什么都不知道（因为明明一个礼拜，有一两天是有“好孩子”去看看他的）。 孩子竟然怪在老人家身上——说老人家怪怪的，孩子问了不答，也不告诉孩子；儿媳妇问了，才告诉状况。 我说啊，你们这班孩子们是废材。 死了，世界就干净了一些。 你妈的。 -Jas-

You always manage to pick yourself up - with or without help from any forces. It's okay, Jasmine. You always do. =) Nothing else you need to believe besides yourself, and your own abilities. It's okay. -Jas-

There's a saying that every cloud has a silver lining. I think... it's very true.  But it depends whether if you want to search for that silver lining or not. I think I saw one today. =) -Jas-

I should be doing my assignment... lol. I shall (try to)make this a quick, short blog. Being 197347023847203984234710980943834573094857 miles away from home, I thank God for the invention of Skype that made communication easier and friendlier (even though I always complain how Skype performed badly at times). I just Skyped back home a short while ago, with mom ending the session: "I miss you-lah!" *disconnects* And I'm guessing she's showering her face with some tears. Welp. =/ There's a Chinese saying that "every family has a difficult mantra", which means in every household, there will be their very own difficulties of any sort. This, of course, applies to my own immediate family and two different sides of extended families. In yesterday's family therapy class, there was a discussion about "family myths/ beliefs" that we possess or practice within our own families. One of the myths discussed was "family members should be happy to...

After Tuesday's (19 Mar '14) ethics class... I think I sort of changed my perception towards the usage of toys, or rather "symbols" within Roger's counselling terms. I've always associated toys with children, mostly. Something that they use to learn and have fun along the way through play or imagination. Until when I was introduced with play therapy back in undergrad years, new perceptions about toys were formed. Toys are language or communication tools children use to express themselves in various aspects; they are not just "toys" for children, but can help represent their thoughts if used in the right environment. Of course, the usage of toys may be therapeutic and beneficial for children in general; but it could also help adults in similar ideas. I remember the first lab group I have attended a couple weeks ago, and I asked the lab tutor if we're allowed to use the toys. She immediately corrected me, by saying: "Now, these are not toy...

Hello. =) There are so many things going through my mind right now, to the extent of blank thoughts - trying to numb away all of those issues and emotions that had been swelling within me for a long long time... I sat down here and realize (once again), how not giving/ making myself some time to really sit down and process all of these stuffs that are lurking within me has been lighting one red light after another about my own psychological well being and behaviours.  I never really utilize this outlet I have been owning for such a long time - to express or lash out anything, or rather almost everything. Happiness, sadness, gratefulness, anger, disappointments, worries, fears, serenity, hopes, dreams... How much I have complained that I don't have 'me' time for the past 2-3 years due to work life... For the past year I have sort of earned it back by being a full time student again and perhaps had been using this platform a teeny bit more actively. So... here I am. I...

I have loads of stuff to blog about, but I never really had the encouragement to do so - what a way to end 2013 & kick start 2014!   Sometimes I think life is pretty challenging (heck, it's damn farking challenging as hell) - especially when one just realized that the more you run away from something, the more you are going to go head on with it and being jammed on the face repeatedly.   Well... not feeling too good about this, because it leads me to question myself - how much longer can I hold?   Happy new year, Jasmine.   -Jas-

I just randomly decided to blog about some (happy) memories that suddenly come to mind. So that I could probably come back and have a look when I'm bored, or when I'm feeling down. Hmm... so what do I have in mind? I'll just keep it simple. =) 1. When I was young, my maternal aunt was still a working lady. I remember she would always dress up really stylishly, paired with the perfect high heels. I would wait for her to come back by the living room when the time is near, as she would sometimes bring me yummy snacks and/or presents. When she parked her car at the porch, I would jump around with joy and greet her happily "Ah-Ee!!" And she would smile at me, and say hello while taking off her shoes and give me a light hug. What I remembered very clearly was the perfume scent on her - soft fragrance lingering around. 2. My (cousin) brother used to be such a sweet little puff when he was a baby/ toddler. Even up until his schooling years (in primary school days), ...

唉…… 现在的心情真的是陷在谷底啊~~~~~~~ 很烦躁，很担忧，很很很……很够力就是了。 什么自信心啦，正能量啦，就很像Ultraman一样亮红灯了。 这个学期很适合用“够力”这两个字来形容。 压力很够力。 很够力不够睡。 身体很够力不健康，因为时常熬夜啦，吃不三不四的东西啦，压力啦…… 很够力多功课和readings。也够力多presentations。 我也很够力尽力的去做好我的课业了，可是readings老是没读完。*叹气* 电脑也够力烂的，两架电脑正正在我功课的高峰期而坏掉。真的是他妈的鸡蛋糕#*~￥&*￥*#&……*@#&￥……真的很想砍人。 电脑的support service也是烂到极点。 课业成绩……也是很够力一下——是够力的不好。 啊~~~救命啊！！！ 不知道要怎样好。每课都是class average的下面（差一两分，有些连average是什么都不知道因为老师没放上网）。有一课，我很喜欢，也很享受——可是两个作文拿回来，老师都说我英文不好，很难理解我要表达的points。结果，成绩是passing mark的上两分。接着还有这科的考试，我真的有些措手不及……不知道该如何下手……就是很担心。 另外一颗也是一样。一篇作文交了，老师出国了……还没得到评分，考试也过了。啊！！！要疯掉了！T.T 很担心成绩不够好读不上去啊……~~~~怎么办啊……真的很想哭……！ 虽然说这些成绩好不好的，都已经过了，就剩下两科科目的考试要拼了……就专心拼那两课，担心也没用。可是……I just couldn't set my mind straight.因为我很努力了……还是我努力过头了？写法又是太复杂化，太兜圈子了？Grammar和sentence structure真的有酱差吗？！什么啦？！ 我太贪心吗……？我只想考好成绩啊……Am I missing something important here？ -Jas-

..I am dying! I want to freaking climb on to my bed and knock off for the day, like seriously. But I'm still stuck with this damn essay, and then I have another one that has nothing!! Although I manage to get 1 day extension for my laptop's crash agenda as an excuse (which is the truth, no lies), I have no idea how the freaking hell I can pull this through - especially with the last essay/ research proposal that's due this week. Well, at least I've submitted one of of three essays this week *yay*. And then the following week, I have ANOTHER essay/ research proposal. Well, at least I still have 1 week to toggle with that one, pfft. Two days after that essay is my first exam paper. Damn it.  I'm sleepy. My brain's not working. But I need to finish this damn essay tonight.  JESUS PLEASE ANSWER MY PRAYERS TQVM! *sigh* -Jas-

Yeap.  Why am I panicking now? 1. I have 3 essays due next week. First , is in writing progress with all my points sort of laid out with the readings done. Second , is in writing progress as well - however, with no solid points laid out yet because I have not finish my readings. Third , nothing is in progress - no ideas, no readings, NOTHING. 2. My laptop crashed. My lovely Lenovo G480, bought January 2013 has a hard disk drive failure - that fails to boot (not at least 1 hour, everytime recently). Hence, now it's sent to a authorized dealer here in NZ to change the part for free (hopefully they won't bluff me - it's still under 2 years warranty). ETA? Unknown. LOL. In other words, I don't have my own laptop to work with. I have to use le-G's laptop/ tablet to work on. 3. Health is not keeping up. Having flu for the past 2 weeks is definitely a plus for my workload, period. Although I'm feeling much better now, and it's visible because I can s...

本来以为找到了两个referee，烦恼就减少了很多。结果，现在烦的是referee会不会填表格然后电邮给校方。=（ 两个里面，一个是老板，一个是同事。 老板很好，电邮告诉我他已经填好交上去了。可是校方的系统好像还没update有收到……希望不会没有吧…… 同事呢，电话上也事先告诉了她，得到同意才电邮表格给她。结果，再次提醒她两次；然后再whatsapp她——都没回复。有时侯挺讨厌whatsapp的，有了两个钩钩，还有last seen online几点几点……真的没看到我的信息吗？还是假装看不到？虽然有几次whatsapp她，她都不回复；可是她答应了帮我，应该不会出尔反尔吧…… 本来就觉得自己的人际关系很差了……酱子……唉。 * 现在是早上8.27，今天我7.30就自动起床了。昨晚大约1点睡吧。 生病感冒了，昨晚睡不好。等下的presentation也还没做完，连构思都还想不通。所以特地早起来继续做。可是现在在这里写篇文章。哈…… 都怪自己没管好时间，没读好journals找足够的资料。现在就慢慢在迷糊里摸索吧…… 希望等下我不会是最差的那个吧…… =( Q&A也希望不会答不出…… -Jas-

Where are you? I have lost both of you and miss you dearly, especially this year. Sometimes I sit here and think about my worries.  I thought to myself - is psychology not that interesting to me anymore? I wonder, how come I feel so lacking in motivation to work? What is it that I am hesitating so much? At the same time, I think to myself, why do I not seem to have questions around human's thoughts, actions and behaviors - that I struggled so much about coming up with a topic I want to research more about in my essays/ research proposals? What is wrong with me? I'm not sure if it's because I got too overwhelmed with new ways of learning and also new radical perspectives towards the issues surrounding psychology. It got to a point that I am starting to ask myself - why are these people researching about people so much, and telling us how sad/ negative the world seems? Arguments after arguments, perspectives after perspectives - everything seemed so complicated th...

Yes, I'm thrilled. I am sulking for the past few days, waiting for my ex-boss's email reply - hoping that he would say "yes" to be one of my referees. AND I JUST RECEIVED HIS EMAIL A COUPLE MINUTES AGO ASKING ME FOR THE DOCUMENTS! OH. MY. GOD! Hopefully he'd rank me well enough *cough*. Thank you, (ex)boss!! :D :D :D I know how crazily busy you always have been. Hence, I really really really appreciate it so much!  Now I shall proceed with tearing my hair off for tomorrow's presentation, which has zero progress so far. WHEE.   -Jas-