this is life.

I just randomly decided to blog about some (happy) memories that suddenly come to mind. So that I could probably come back and have a look when I'm bored, or when I'm feeling down. Hmm... so what do I have in mind? I'll just keep it simple. =) 1. When I was young, my maternal aunt was still a working lady. I remember she would always dress up really stylishly, paired with the perfect high heels. I would wait for her to come back by the living room when the time is near, as she would sometimes bring me yummy snacks and/or presents. When she parked her car at the porch, I would jump around with joy and greet her happily "Ah-Ee!!" And she would smile at me, and say hello while taking off her shoes and give me a light hug. What I remembered very clearly was the perfume scent on her - soft fragrance lingering around. 2. My (cousin) brother used to be such a sweet little puff when he was a baby/ toddler. Even up until his schooling years (in primary school days), ...

唉…… 现在的心情真的是陷在谷底啊~~~~~~~ 很烦躁，很担忧，很很很……很够力就是了。 什么自信心啦，正能量啦，就很像Ultraman一样亮红灯了。 这个学期很适合用“够力”这两个字来形容。 压力很够力。 很够力不够睡。 身体很够力不健康，因为时常熬夜啦，吃不三不四的东西啦，压力啦…… 很够力多功课和readings。也够力多presentations。 我也很够力尽力的去做好我的课业了，可是readings老是没读完。*叹气* 电脑也够力烂的，两架电脑正正在我功课的高峰期而坏掉。真的是他妈的鸡蛋糕#*~￥&*￥*#&……*@#&￥……真的很想砍人。 电脑的support service也是烂到极点。 课业成绩……也是很够力一下——是够力的不好。 啊~~~救命啊！！！ 不知道要怎样好。每课都是class average的下面（差一两分，有些连average是什么都不知道因为老师没放上网）。有一课，我很喜欢，也很享受——可是两个作文拿回来，老师都说我英文不好，很难理解我要表达的points。结果，成绩是passing mark的上两分。接着还有这科的考试，我真的有些措手不及……不知道该如何下手……就是很担心。 另外一颗也是一样。一篇作文交了，老师出国了……还没得到评分，考试也过了。啊！！！要疯掉了！T.T 很担心成绩不够好读不上去啊……~~~~怎么办啊……真的很想哭……！ 虽然说这些成绩好不好的，都已经过了，就剩下两科科目的考试要拼了……就专心拼那两课，担心也没用。可是……I just couldn't set my mind straight.因为我很努力了……还是我努力过头了？写法又是太复杂化，太兜圈子了？Grammar和sentence structure真的有酱差吗？！什么啦？！ 我太贪心吗……？我只想考好成绩啊……Am I missing something important here？ -Jas-

..I am dying! I want to freaking climb on to my bed and knock off for the day, like seriously. But I'm still stuck with this damn essay, and then I have another one that has nothing!! Although I manage to get 1 day extension for my laptop's crash agenda as an excuse (which is the truth, no lies), I have no idea how the freaking hell I can pull this through - especially with the last essay/ research proposal that's due this week. Well, at least I've submitted one of of three essays this week *yay*. And then the following week, I have ANOTHER essay/ research proposal. Well, at least I still have 1 week to toggle with that one, pfft. Two days after that essay is my first exam paper. Damn it.  I'm sleepy. My brain's not working. But I need to finish this damn essay tonight.  JESUS PLEASE ANSWER MY PRAYERS TQVM! *sigh* -Jas-

Yeap.  Why am I panicking now? 1. I have 3 essays due next week. First , is in writing progress with all my points sort of laid out with the readings done. Second , is in writing progress as well - however, with no solid points laid out yet because I have not finish my readings. Third , nothing is in progress - no ideas, no readings, NOTHING. 2. My laptop crashed. My lovely Lenovo G480, bought January 2013 has a hard disk drive failure - that fails to boot (not at least 1 hour, everytime recently). Hence, now it's sent to a authorized dealer here in NZ to change the part for free (hopefully they won't bluff me - it's still under 2 years warranty). ETA? Unknown. LOL. In other words, I don't have my own laptop to work with. I have to use le-G's laptop/ tablet to work on. 3. Health is not keeping up. Having flu for the past 2 weeks is definitely a plus for my workload, period. Although I'm feeling much better now, and it's visible because I can s...

本来以为找到了两个referee，烦恼就减少了很多。结果，现在烦的是referee会不会填表格然后电邮给校方。=（ 两个里面，一个是老板，一个是同事。 老板很好，电邮告诉我他已经填好交上去了。可是校方的系统好像还没update有收到……希望不会没有吧…… 同事呢，电话上也事先告诉了她，得到同意才电邮表格给她。结果，再次提醒她两次；然后再whatsapp她——都没回复。有时侯挺讨厌whatsapp的，有了两个钩钩，还有last seen online几点几点……真的没看到我的信息吗？还是假装看不到？虽然有几次whatsapp她，她都不回复；可是她答应了帮我，应该不会出尔反尔吧…… 本来就觉得自己的人际关系很差了……酱子……唉。 * 现在是早上8.27，今天我7.30就自动起床了。昨晚大约1点睡吧。 生病感冒了，昨晚睡不好。等下的presentation也还没做完，连构思都还想不通。所以特地早起来继续做。可是现在在这里写篇文章。哈…… 都怪自己没管好时间，没读好journals找足够的资料。现在就慢慢在迷糊里摸索吧…… 希望等下我不会是最差的那个吧…… =( Q&A也希望不会答不出…… -Jas-

Where are you? I have lost both of you and miss you dearly, especially this year. Sometimes I sit here and think about my worries.  I thought to myself - is psychology not that interesting to me anymore? I wonder, how come I feel so lacking in motivation to work? What is it that I am hesitating so much? At the same time, I think to myself, why do I not seem to have questions around human's thoughts, actions and behaviors - that I struggled so much about coming up with a topic I want to research more about in my essays/ research proposals? What is wrong with me? I'm not sure if it's because I got too overwhelmed with new ways of learning and also new radical perspectives towards the issues surrounding psychology. It got to a point that I am starting to ask myself - why are these people researching about people so much, and telling us how sad/ negative the world seems? Arguments after arguments, perspectives after perspectives - everything seemed so complicated th...

Yes, I'm thrilled. I am sulking for the past few days, waiting for my ex-boss's email reply - hoping that he would say "yes" to be one of my referees. AND I JUST RECEIVED HIS EMAIL A COUPLE MINUTES AGO ASKING ME FOR THE DOCUMENTS! OH. MY. GOD! Hopefully he'd rank me well enough *cough*. Thank you, (ex)boss!! :D :D :D I know how crazily busy you always have been. Hence, I really really really appreciate it so much!  Now I shall proceed with tearing my hair off for tomorrow's presentation, which has zero progress so far. WHEE.   -Jas-

突然有个小启发。 我领悟了。 其实……应该说是领悟了很久，可是没真正去吸收那份领悟吧。 我发现我不相信很多事物。 我不相信： 1. 我正走在正确的道路上。 2. 我能够达到目的地。 3. 自己的能量。 4. 自己的能力。 5. 自己的思想力，往往是有一些胜过别人的看法和思维。 6. 神是有不尽的正能量。 7. 神是神圣和美丽的。 8. 我所做的事情，对自己，社会，家人以及身边的人是有一定的贡献。 9. 我是有感染力的。 10. 我有个善良，赤子之心。 11. 自己，的所有所无。 基本上，我不只是质疑——而是让自己反抗这些做人基本应有的信念。 久而久之，糟蹋了自己的身心；把自己鞭打的伤痕累累。 缺乏了正能量，自信心，说服力——总觉得自己在踏上的梦想路是不真实的。是遥远的。 心理学有些理论，叫"self-handicapping"和"self-fulfilling prophecy"。 我在"self-handicap"，已经是很危险了。现在是更进一步，把handicapped的prophecy慢慢地fulfill了——self-fulling my own self-handicapped prophecies, double kill to my physical and psychological well-being. 我知道，我说的很久——我需要去见导师，把自己找回来。可是……我还在原地踏步。很多事情我知道需要行动，可是老是无去无踪。 是时候醒了。行动了。 希望把思想写了出来，会有些帮助。 加油！ -Jas-

忽然觉得生活真的挺现实的。 每个人都有梦想。可是，在现在的二十一世纪生活规律里——要达到“梦想”这个门儿，几乎是高得不可攀登。 想要朝着梦想的门前进，可以说是有很多阻碍的元素。 除了自己那一关，就可以说是社会建立的关卡了。 好像深造一回事儿，有主要两个元素： 1. 实力 2. 金钱 有钱，可是没有一定的实力，就没办法继续读下去。 有实力，可是没钱，也一样。 虽然对我的家境背景，也许钱可以不用太烦——可是，我很质疑自己的实力。 英文来到这里，变成“差”的一组。老师很常画圈圈啦，括弧啦说：“unclear"。又时就说文章的构造不好，或是不清楚，等等。有时真的在想，以前在本地大学老师们说的”好“——是不是拿来安慰学生的啊？当然，我清楚文化这个项目是其中的影响因素之一。变成自己写的文章，对本地老师说是很有道理和逻辑的；可是在这里就不一样了——因为语言的文化不一样。 "Critical thinking"(中文叫什么啊？“批判性思维”？）呢，好像头脑不灵活了。想不出。老实说，很多时候觉得自己写的东西都像垃圾。也许……对于"critical thinking"这回事有点混乱和模糊吧。自己觉得有，可是老师可能觉得没有或者不够。怎样叻？ 还有就是经验，和其他同学比起来是少了很多，认识的人面也不够广。就光是这些，自己问问自己有什么是可以胜过其他人那一点点……就是答不出来。好像自己什么领域都好像是半桶水，或许半桶水也不到。 -Jas-

不喜欢这种存在，又不存在的感觉。 不喜欢熟悉，又陌生的感觉。 不喜欢在意，又好像不在意的感觉。 不喜欢热闹，又寂寞的感觉。 嗯……想家和老友们了。 =( -Jas-  

She reminds me again, and again - to never give too much to a person, called man. Never give too much of myself, never give too much time, never give too much effort, never give too much love, never give too much trust, never give too much of everything. It left me ponder. What else is there in a relationship, if you kept holding yourself back so much just because you are afraid of the consequences of getting hurt and stabbed by the heart? How about the past, present or future happy moments? Are they not real, but mere illusions of that person? Recently I came across course seminars about relationships, and how vast numbers of researches were done on studying why relationship satisfaction would ultimately decrease (either slowly, or steeply) - how types of communications, attachment styles, personalities, positive illusions and so forth would make or break relationships. I came to realize how many of these researches are looking in this way: "Look, here's the probl...

Well, hello. Since I have been freaking out most of the time since day 1 of Semester 2 until this very minute, I might as well blog a little bit - changing the procrastination to something slightly more productive (although I know I have other better things to do, aside from reading journals). I suddenly realized how crucial the role of a lecturer is, especially in teaching and presenting the subjects in relation to psychology. Probably I came a little bit too slow in realizing the reasons why. The crucial factors - are being flexible as well as open minded. I noticed how the lecturers I had came across with (both undergraduate and postgraduate level) had similar mindsets in teaching the art of psychology. They are always trying to get in touch with our inner sides - philosophically, interests and humanity. They are promoting us ways of critically thinking the political issues surrounding psychology theories and studies. Nonetheless, they are teaching - starting from their own ...

Well, hello. It's Friday, but I won't shout TGIF - because it isn't really. Yet, I'm gladly to announce that I have passed up the-most-torturing-proposal-to-write-ever yesterday! Though I didn't get to proof read and everything, I'm still glad it's over. And sincerely hope that it won't look like a piece of crap for my lecturer to read. *gulps* I have another assignment due today, in less than 7 hours. So what's my progress? None! Yeap, this is the first time ever in my entire life that I am not meeting a deadline. =) Well, the lecturer gave us a tiny hint that he'll only collect the assignments on Monday morning - so as long as we hand it in before he collects it, then it's not late.  Now, how could I not take this advantage? Even so, thankfully he had this kind conditional offer - though this is one of the subjects I have a headache with. Most probably the most headache with all the scientific terminology. *gulps* I haven't s...

It's near end of my 1st semester for my PgDip year, and today marks the first day of June. How time flies so fast, is kind of scary. So what am I up to now?  Well, good morning. I woke up around almost half an hour ago, and had my breakfast. Surfed around facebook - and have zero progress on my essays, 2 due-ing on Thursday & Friday each. One more essay supposedly to due on following Monday; yet thankfully the lecturer decided to postpone the due date for us *hallelujah thank God*. Yeap, I am feeling kind of panicky right now. Reason being, these two essays (or rather 1 essay, one research proposal) are not really within my area of better understanding throughout the 4 courses I took. And yes, I am feeling worried, and reluctant to begin with my work - which I admit, does not contribute to my current condition. What is it that I'm afraid of? Well, I'm afraid of... not able to finish my essays in time. Another side of the reason is, I'm afraid that I might en...

I always wonder, the reason why I would mourn over the past; and never really look at the present or the future. Why, I always look at the things that I could have done better, or things I don't have, or occasions I missed - yet never really learn, realize and cherish the present, or embrace the future. Yet at the same time, I would be so anxious of the unknown - the future. Again, never really focus on the things that I have in hand right now, right at this very second. I had asked myself before, the possible reasons behind this - I know very well, that I always ponder with regrets and fear of failure. These factors, may seem to be a plausible "motivational" factor - that I regret something of the past, fear of failure in the future, so I should be working hard to avoid both of those negative emotions. Yet, those thoughts had never really bury inside my mind. In other words, those were my source of hope destruction, rather than motivational pushes. Possibly, it is like w...

Well... Hello. It's been quite a while again, hasn't it? Not sure if there are still anyone dropping by here every once in a while, as even the author herself has been rather abandoning her own blog - and more (rather) severely, her inner touches. Hmm... There has been a lot of things to think about, really. The thing about reflection takes a lot of courage, and I have been seeing myself hiding and shutting away from my own little bomb shell. Yes, bomb shell - not exactly a safe shell for me to hide into, isn't it? So, how have I been?  That is quite a tricky question. Yes, I'm starting to fulfill my dreams. However, as I am sitting within my dream that has already becoming somewhat a reality - I am having doubts with my dream. What? Why? Hmm... well well... somehow something that I was pretty fond of had become quite a distant stranger, eh bloggie? I'm very much loosing touch of you, that I am now much more afraid to pour myself as much as I used to back in...

Is it too late to say "Happy 2013" at the near end of January? =\ Well... to blog so much lesser than I used to be, somehow made me feel as if I've lost a crucial part of myself - lack of me time, lesser self reflection, decreased intellectual thinking... Lack of composure, and sanity in certain ways. I've lost contact with my inner self for such a long time. I asked myself - have I lost the love/ interest to write? No. However, I lost the spirit and the motivation in many aspects in life. I could feel it - even to bring myself to further studies, without him - I might be possibly still stepping on the same stone today. I'm thankful, to have him to push and drag me along; even though he had been pampering me a little too much at times. Looking back slightly the time that has passed - many things have indeed changed. It saddens me that I did not record them down the insights/ lessons I've learnt in this blog - whereby it serves greatly as my reminders.  ...

OK. So, brief update before I knock myself off on bed. *Oh God, WHY is it only Tuesday tonight? T.T* Anyhow, briefly & quickly...! #1 - SS EL day. SS on EL today, due to bleeding teeth/ gum non-stop. Oh God, that's a first for me to listen that after tooth extraction - bleeding comes after a few days! Plus, hospital couldn't help only after she have the wire of her braces removed. God. SS, I can so feel you when you said it's like menstrual in your mouth. LOL. #2 - DHL parcel. Well, as P mentioned - besides the docs, the rest are for me. Didn't imagine he really mean it! Thank you for the chocolate + peach handphone strap from Japan. =) Somehow it carries a very much sentimental value to me. #3 - Travel agency. Haha... thank you for complimenting me - that I'm one awesome person. =) That surely help to boost a little of my self confidence + faith! Hopefully I'd have a little time (also, if my memory doesn't fail me) to blog a...

Love is not just a feeling. It's a commitment, a responsibility. It's like a never ending conversation with your best friend. And well, with a certain amount of Libido involved. =) -Jas-

I didn't know why, I was suddenly being reminded of certain things - that I had to blog. Well well... hello blog. =) It's been a while, isn't it? And I will always just have to blog whenever I feel so sleepy! Alright, let's try to make this fast, short & sweet. =) To sum up my day, I've went out with my parents. We were trying to look for this new mall, locating very very far away from where we stay. And yes, we got very lost - because my dad actually set the wrong destination using the GPS. How could we not get lost like that eh? *sigh* My dad decided to just randomly drive around, and he literally did. Hoping that doing in such way would led him to the right destination - obviously, it did not turn out to be as hoped. Along the way while he was driving around the highways, I was sitting at the back seat - thinking loads of stuff. There's a little serene moment, despite the fact that I feel a waste of time being lost at nowhere. Yes, I appreciated...